Prince Harry, pictured above, top, is shown getting off an airplane in California Saturday. His brother, Prince William, is in front.Disclaimer: This post was composed from information which was stolen from appeared in the British Newspaper called "Mail Online." I don't know if this is a reputable online newspaper or if it is one of those Rupert rags. I get your newspapers mixed up. So this piece may be a lie, I just want you to know that. That's disclaimer number one. Disclaimer number two is the date. The date on the front page of the issue I stole acquired this information from is "8th October 2011." However, in the past, this online newspaper has been known to rerun stories that are years and years older than the date they put on the page. So this post may be both a lie and an OLD lie. That's disclaimer number two. Those of you who "could care less"* about disclaimers can just read the below post and not bother reading what you just read above.
HRH Prince Harry of Wales arrived in California today [the Mail called it "America"] for helicopter training. Not sure why, exactly. The newspaper only said that he would be training in brutal conditions which duplicate what he will be experiencing in his second tour of duty in Afghanistan. This event (exposing himself in Afghanistan for a second time) is apparently coming up soon. And, judging by the Prince's appalling physical condition in the photograph above, it needs to happen soon before he is unable to walk. Apparently, like the U.S. Army, you folks no longer have fitness standards or age limits for your soldiers. A second tour in Afghanistan? Are you kidding me? Look, I don't want to get out of line here, but why doesn't someone just shoot the poor lad in the leg or something so he can collect that purple heart he needs for his RR (Royal Resume) and be done with it? Sorry, "CV." That way he can just retire and go back to being a regular royal playboy? Ok, maybe not in the leg. Maybe a finger or something. And while I am digressing, am I the only one who thinks both of these boys have aged horribly since the wedding? And I'm not even going to talk about William's hair. I mean fer chrissakes. Just take a look at that picture again. Am I right?
Well, am I wrong in thinking Mr. Wales was a tank driver or something before? I'm almost positive he wasn't flying helicopters before. That was William. Or was it fighter jets? No, that was Randy Andy in the Falklands. At any rate, Prince Harry is getting training for two months in California at a place called El Centro near the Mexican border (haha, like there's really a border there) according to the Mail Online. On Apache helicopters which the prince has proclaimed "awesome." I think it was Apaches. The Mail called them "choppers." Awesome choppers. Near the Mexican border. Newbie royal pilot. Right.
The Mail Online continues: "Crimson Eagle" [honest to god, that's what they are naming this thing] will take place in locations that replicate the brutal terrain of Afghanistan - over soaring mountains and vast desert with temperatures that reach well in excess of 110 degrees."
Oh, for crying out loud! Is that really how you Brits picture California? In November? Truly?
Incidentally, Prince Harry is a Captain now. Seems like only yesterday he was a second lieutenant or third subaltern or whatever your ranks are. I wonder if having a name like Wales gets one promoted on the fast track? If he shows up in Afghanistan in January leading a whole squadron of "awesome choppers" and is then a full colonel, I would start to be suspicious about favoritism. I don't know what William is. Lord Admiral-something by now, probably.
Wait! Wait wait wait wait. I didn't upload the full picture. Hang on a minute. Here 'tis:
There you go. That's better. So William isn't with him after all. Say, do you notice how that guy at the top in the yellow vest is checking out the RA (Royal Arse)? I guess you guys don't have a don't-ask-don't-tell policy any more either. Better not bend over to pick up the soap in the shower, Harry. Just sayin'. Where was I?Oh, yes. The Mail Online goes on to say that Captain Wales will become one of an elite few to have expertise in the £46 million a pop 2-man helicopter, of which Britain (not the UK, mind you) is the proud owner of 67. Assuming Captain Wales passes the training course, says the Mail Online. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Right. Gosh, I wonder if he will pass the course?
Well, jeeze Louise, if you folks have 67 of them (what, you didn't have enough money to buy an even 75 of them from us? Even after what's his name sold your Navy?) that means you have, at a minimum, 134 pilots already trained (assuming you would want to have the capability of flying them all at one time) so that hardly makes Captain Wales all that elite. If I may say.
Then again, it isn't all that likely that all 67 of them will actually work at the same time if you bought the parts from us. So maybe he is in an elite field after all. Here is a picture of some "Awesome Apache Choppers" or at least the front ends of some:
And here is a picture of what I assume is Captain Wales' barracks mum:
Never let it be said that British newspapers run gratuitous sex pictures that have nothing to do with the story being told."It has long been known," the Mail Online continues breathlessly, "that the prince is keen to return to combat after his first deployment in 2007 (when he was young and fit?) was cut short after ten weeks, much to his disappointment, because of security fears.
"If he is deployed next year his main tasks will be to provide air cover for ground troops and to seek and destroy Taliban positions."
But that sounds about right, doesn't it? About £104 million per Taliban killed? Something like that? Money well invested. I am slowly learning the fine art of British sarcasm.
Unbelievable that the word "Taliban" sets off my spellchecker. How old IS my computer, anyway?
Oh, Max, I think you've hit the nail right on the head here.
ReplyDeleteHarry used to go storming about in a little armoured tracked thing.
They sent him to afghanistan, and the lad was all gung-ho about playing the 'great game of the north-western frontier', and the press loved to print pics of him shielding his eyes as he gazed into the distance, where grizzled tribesmen were sharpening their muskets.
Then, of course, the tban caught on, and it became a PR war, with them offering 72 virgins to any man who could bring back hHarry's head on a plate. This, of course, worried the chiefs of staff, who, it seems, had not grasped the basics of war. Not only was Harry terribly at risk of being killed/captured/mutilated/tortured, or ransomed, but his presence put the rest of his tin-box-crew at risk too.
Now, I've always rather grasped the idea that if you go to war, the people on the other side will be trying to kill you.
Did the chiefs of staff think, prior to deploying him, that the Taliban would naturally be swayed by his mother's memory, and just ask him to sign a few items of sacred Diana memorabilia?
So, anyway, for whatever reason, they decided to redeploy him into a flying tank. The idea was that if they put him inside a titanium bathtub, armed with a huge inventory of noisy things that go bang, and put him up in the sky, he could go back to war, be a hero, but also be safe.
Once upon a time helicopters were vulnerable little thin-skinned things.
Then came the gunships. titanium toughened, flying tanks....
Invulnerable. Or so they told the russian crews who were to be masters of the air over afghanistan.
And they were, until our people, british and american 'advisors' went into afghanistan to teach the mujahiddeen the finer art bringing down invulnerable flying tanks.
I think the simple rule of thumb is 'stay away from the mountains'.
So, back to the story. Harry's just following the family career trail. I think you have to sample a bit of everything.
Well, everything that looks glamorous in the military, I don't expect we'll see him greasing gears in the transport pool any time soon. But if we had any ships, I'm sure we'd be seeing him captaining a corvette or something, Maybe we can hire one from the Chinese navy's warship rental unit.
Or we could say he's captain of a submarine. They're mostly invisible and imaginary anyway.
Of course, as thousands of our armed forces members are opening letters that tell them their job has vanished, we may see Harry finishing his crimson eagle training and redeploying straight to the dole office, or the jobcentre, where a worker, chewing on a pencil will say, "Well, no, mister Wales, I don't think we have anything at the moment for gunship pilots... let me see... oh traked vehicles? yes, we have a builder who wants a digger driver... oh? I see, you don't actually drive it? you stand in the turret and shout a lot? mmm. that's a difficult one."
Oh. As for number of helicopters. Or choppers.... chopper being a slang word for penis, also for teeth, oh and also for helicopter, axe, etc.....
ReplyDeletechoppers? oh yes. We have, it seems, a number of them that can't fly because their missiles don't work....or, that is, they do, so long as you don't mind not getting your helicopter back if you fire them. And we've a bunch of twin rotor jobbies, bought from boeing, that can't fly if.... um, if it rains, if it's cloudy, dark, or if the sky is up. I think somebody specified them wrong, and by the time the fix comes, they'll be delivery-mileage only obsolete scrap.
Maybe we send our guys to things like exercise screaming weasel, just to bluff the world into thinking we have more than three helicopters that actually fly.
Harry's brother Bill's day job involves driving a rescue helicopter. By all accounts, he's doing the real deal in between bouts of royalty.
I was once on a ship which had to have a passenger airlifted whilst underway, on a bumpy sea, in a gale, that was quite impressive.
I was going to comment but really I think Soubriquet has said it all, and more.
ReplyDeleteI learnt the alternative meanings for chopper when I was young and impressionable and working in an engineering factory in Liverpool. Those were the days.
"Mail Online." Not Murdoch, not journalism either. Funny how his hair colour differs from his dads....
ReplyDeleteActually, A. says his hair color EXACTLY matches his dad's.
ReplyDelete@Soubriquet - So why is it you never brought the word chopper to my attention before? You know what this blog is about. Or what it started out to be. What ELSE do you know that you aren't sharing?
ReplyDeleteYou too, A.
ReplyDeleteThe problem with this exploration of Britishspeak is that I don't know what I know, nor do I know what you don't know.
ReplyDeleteIf we were in conversation, in a pub, for instance, I'd see the frown and you'd yell stop right there! rewind.... what did you just say?
Beyond that, it's hard to guess what words might be new to your lexicon.
A's in an even worse position, because she probably thinks in french most of the time.....
A. hasn't mastered the art of speaking, never mind thinking, in French. It is a dreadful blow to have one's pronunciation corrected by the equivalent of a Tesco shelf filler.
ReplyDelete