Creeping Cockney Crud Contaminates Antipatter, Scottie. Beam me up.

"Cockney Creep Puts Paid to the Patter" claimed a not-so-recent headline of The Herald which, I'm guessing, is a conservative Glaschu-upon-Clyde newspaper. At first blush, I assumed some caddish Eastender had wandered far off his turf and had simply brought his creepiness with him, but no, it is rather that The Herald is simply not as fond of using hyphens between combined words as Americans are wont to do, and thus their intended meaning is very different indeed from their actual headline. [Note to Americans who have stumbled across this post, while the words might bear a small resemblance to English, it really isn't.]

When you realize that "Cockney Creep" was really intended as "Cockney-Creep" it will be more apparent that The Herald means to speak here of language adulterations and not rhyming rapists from the Southland. [Note #2 to stumble-upon Americans: "Puts Paid" is something you should just let go of and not try to understand. You will never have occasion to use the term, so no sense learning it.]

What this ado is all about is similar to the ado (adieu?) the French always seem to be making about not letting English (and ESPECIALLY Americanisms, alors) creep into the purity of the French language. Only in Glasgow, the attempt is to keep out OTHER English from THEIR patter, see? You might say (and someone once did) that this is much ado over nothing, but these 'wegians are dead-serious about preserving the purity and primacy of their particular personalized patter. So don't laugh.

At the heart of the problem, it seems, is an old TV sitcom called "The EastEnders" and similar, says The Herald, itself quoting scholarly in-depth linguistic studies done by some university or other, naturally at your taxpaying expense. It seems that by simply watching this foul television product, the impressionistic youth-upon-Clyde have taken to saying things like "Hullawrerr, China" instead of saying the accepted "Wotcher, mite?"

I guess you had to be there.

Well, they claim these are both English, and that one of them is wrong. They claim the creeping slime of the East End is fouling the pure Scots accent of young people living in Glasgow. They do.

Incidentally, have you ever experienced the pleasure of hearing them speak that which they are trying to protect? The pure patter, I mean. Not Scots. Not English. Something from Star Trek's Rigel 7, Scottie.

First, tell me who you are

Yesterday's post opened up many unexpected avenues to explore, and I sense there are special words along each of those avenues. It occurs to me that before I start to make arguments about language and culture, I perhaps should know something about yours.

Just because I don't know this information would not necessarily stop me from spouting off, normally, but here I find that I have a strange genuine desire to learn more about those islands over there off the coast of France. So, why not argue from an informed perspective? I said to myself.

And here you are, just gagging to make a comment and share all your knowledge and experiences, right? Or was it just the Aussies who gag to do things? I forgot already.

I want to know about each—England, Wales, Scotland, and NI. Think that's all nowadays. I'm not going to be so anal as to take them each in turn (sorry A.), but instead you may talk about your own, or your favorite, or the one whose culture you feel familiar with, as you choose, all mixed up together.

As for England, I have discovered there are several distinct regions. Silly me, I thought only the U.S. came in distinct regions. So perhaps some of you can get rather specialized for me. Quickly, he adds, so as to avoid indignant unrelated comments, it is suspected that EACH comes in unique distinct regions, not just England.

I find that, as I scour my meager memory for information about the UK taught to me as a child in primary school, I can retrieve very little, I'm afraid. I don't know why they taught it so early on when I was in school, maybe 5th grade it was, but that's the way it was and now my ignorance is really showing. Help me out. Hell, it's probably all different now anyway, right?

Of course, judging from past quizzing, you folks know very little about my country either, so that makes me feel a little better.

All I can see in my mind's eye right now are snippets: mimeographed maps we had to put names of cities on. Draw boundary lines. Birmingham. Cutlery. Coal mining. Loch Ness. Loch Lomond. Loch being lake, I take it. Wee Bobby Burns. You take the high road. Comin' through the rye. Childhood songs. How Green Was My Valley. London Bridge is falling down (did it really, I wonder?)

It's all jumbled together in there. Need to sort it out again. Help me, he cries in desperation. Then I will come back and argue with you about the need for preservation of individual cultures.

Deal?