Warning - this post is not for the weak of stomach: It contains quotes from today's Mail Online. You've been warned.
The Mail Online is shamelessly breathless and red-faced now, neck veins bulging as they continue:"Was Wallis Simpson all woman? There's always been speculation about her sexual make-up. Now in a major reassessment her biographer uncovers new evidence."
Gag me with a spoon, why don't you.
Not wanting to inflict more of the Mail Online upon you than absolutely necessary (I read it so you don't have to) I will skip straightaway to the good parts.
"Those in the know shook their heads in disbelief. How on earth had a plain woman, in her late 30s managed to bewitch the most eligible bachelor in the world? What sinister hold did she have over him? And what were her secrets?"
Max ponders "her" secrets. The mind boggles.
Thelma Furness, Ed's most recent-but-now-jilted mistress blabbed and blurted. Seems the 5ft 7in Prince was known as 'the little man' for a completely different reason. And...
"He was sexually inadequate and prone to premature ejaculation."
HOLY MACKERAL! JESUSJOSEPHANDMARY!! HAS THE MAIL ONLINE NO MODESTY WHATSOEVER?
"He was sexually inadequate and prone to premature ejaculation."
Max thinks, uncharitably as usual, that Wallis' face would be a sure cure for the latter.
"Charles Higham, one of her early biographers, went into greater detail, describing an ancient Chinese skill at which she was apparently adept, involving 'a prolonged and carefully modulated hot oil massage' and various arts to delay gratification. Indeed, it was known that Wallis has spent a good deal of time in China... "
"There was also even rumoured to be a China dossier, which detailed the intimate techniques she'd perfected, variously called the Baltimore Grip, Shanghai Squeeze or China Clinch... "
Max: "Avast! Make way! Clear the ship's railing. Breakfast lunch and dinner all coming up now!"
WTF WTF WTF???????
CAREFULLY MODULATED??????
THE CHINA CLINCH????
"More tomorrow", the Mail Online threatens.
Disclaimer: the author of this blog takes full responsibility** for photo captions.
**Not to be construed as a serious offer of responsibility.
Now this beats Groundhog Day as a subject...
ReplyDeleteThere was me thinking that you were about to reveal Wallis' earlier life as a cabin-boy called Roger, who became excited by wearing women's clothing.
But no. Far more intrigue ensues when Max reveals the secrets that have previously eluded us.
I always wondered what she had that would excite him so much that he'd forgo his scheduled promotion in the family firm. Now we know... "The Baltimore Grip"...
I can just see her, in my mind's eye, practicing squeezing, maybe with one of those squeaky toys dogs so love, or perhaps just cracking walnuts with her rosy clam.
I can hear his kingship shouting from the kitchen, " Wallis, my dear! I can't unscrew the lid on this jar... could you just use the "Yangtse Clamp" on it for a moment while I'll twist the jar?".
Rosy clam????
ReplyDeleteI think you must have walnuts confused with cracking coconuts with her thighs.
I know there's nothing I respect more than "news organizations" that the reveal perversions and sexual dysfunctions of no interest to anyone other than those involved only when all those involved are conveniently dead (but might have left family behind to be embarrassed).
ReplyDeleteI don't think being plain or even ugly or fat precludes being loved, but I also recognize that, when such descriptors are used for women, I seem to be out of sync with the rest of the world.
@Stephanie Barr - I have a feeling if I criticized Hitler's moustache you would think me unPC. But this sly goldigging opportunistic estrogen-challenged man was one ugly woman. And it is very relevant: his/her/its dirty little habits changed history.
ReplyDelete