Eugenics Lite

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"I would have loved to have been in a band, but sadly I just wasn't good enough."
—Tony Blair, British Statesman

Advice to Brits visiting America

There seems to be lots of books with advice to Americans visiting the UK, but not so many for those going the other direction on holiday, so this is intended to fill that void.

Disclaimer: you will find many blogs by expat Brits living in America, but all their advice is wrong, so take that as a warning for you to stay away from those expat sites and just read this authentic one. After all, if they were THAT intelligent, they would still be living in the UK, right?

Note: These tips are for short-term visitors. You’ll only find advice that is helpful for holiday goers and not stuff about how to get a driver’s license or register to vote.

Well, I guess that’s about all for now.

Wait. I forgot part of the post.

1. We use different money here. No Francs or whatever you use in the UK. On the bright side, our money has no value anymore, so there’s no need to worry about exchange rates.

2. We don’t speak your language.

3. Americans change lanes a lot. Watch your ass.

4. Don’t take the train. Jesus.

5. Expect to hear the words “excuse me?” a lot when you speak to us, and not because we want to get through. Not only do we not speak your language, we don’t understand it, either.

6. America is not dangerous.

7. You will love our beer.

8. Avoid eye contact with panhandlers. On second thought, try to just choose a destination other than New York. Chicago is nice. They don’t have panhandlers in Chicago. They have “street newspaper venders” in Chicago. Hint: buy one or they’ll spit on you. Kidding. Just kidding. And you can take the train in Chicago, so you’ll feel right at home. Only they call it the El. That’s because... well, you don’t need to know all that.

9. If you MUST choose to land in New York, don’t ask directions to Chicago. They won’t have a clue. Anything west of the Hudson is just blurry fiction to them. They won’t understand you anyway. And you DAMN sure won’t understand THEM.

10. The Golden Gate Bridge is not in Chicago.

11. It is unlikely you will meet President Obama during your visit. I know. Bummer.

12. If in New York, resist the temptation to talk about cricket with the person standing in line next to you. If in New York, resist the temptation to talk to the person standing in line next to you.

13. Two words: Gray Line.

14. Choice Hotels. Alamo Car Rentals.

15. Everything is farther than you thought it would be. Except in Massachusetts and like that.

Actually, I don’t know why more Brits don’t visit here. It really isn’t that bad. (Not to steal the New Jersey license plate state slogan: “Not as Bad as You’ve Heard”.) I recommend visiting in the spring or fall. Unless you are visiting Miami, then July is the best time.

If you see a cop behind you with his red lights on, don’t pull over right away, because it may not be you he wants to pull over. Take your time and be sure. A mile or so. Then stop on the shoulder, wait for him to get out and approach you, then move ahead 100 yards or so. This is a courtesy unique to America, and they will appreciate it. You may be sure. Never let them see your hands as they approach your car. Bend down sideways in your seat if possible. Then sit up straight quickly. And I hope you are lucky enough to get to play, too. It will be something for you to talk about when you get home.

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If you REALLY have serious questions, I promise to answer seriously. Just ask. Otherwise I don’t know what real advice to give you. I know I wouldn’t have the foggiest idea of what to do if I visited the UK. I’ve heard you are not all that keen on guns but beyond that, I’m not sure. And you use passports and stuff, right?

Update: Contrary to the picture at the top of this post, there is no bridge to the U.S.A. I mean not from where YOU are. At least I don't think there is.

Update #2: I was lying kidding when I told you not to go visit ex-pat blogs. They know a LOT more about America than Americans ever will.

American humor: Benny Hill, only without the plot

Statutory warning required by the World Blogging Authority: "This post assumes that the reader is at least passingly familiar with American kitsch, camp culture, Depression-era movies,  early television comedians, and the Three Stooges. Be warned that this post also makes an oblique reference to a recent post in BritishSpeak's companion blog "Slap & Tickle", and that posts to that blog are ALWAYS offensive to some group or other. If you are unfamiliar with the former and don't follow the latter, please read this post thoroughly anyway. Although you won't understand as much as the more widely-read patrons of this blog , you will still contribute by increasing the average statistical time spent on this page by all viewers. In fact, the simple act of reading this entire notice, coupled with a long look at Elvira, above, has already countered the hit-and-run effects of over 31 Entrecard droppers. Every little bit helps. Thank you."

We have already covered British Humor somewhat. Witty, clever, cerebral, ironic, sarcastic, yada yada - designed to make you think, make you go "Ah! Yes! So it is! That's very clever! Yes, indeed! Jolly true, that! I say! Brilliant! Ha!" The thinking-man's humor. Lords of the pun and masters of the eyebrow-twitching double-entendre. Funny to Americans? Not so much. Let me list the names of the British standups who regularly appear on American prime-time TV: Ummmm.... there's... ummmm.... Right.

It's not that Americans don't like to think. Well, that too. But mostly they don't think one should HAVE to think about humor. To an American, more often than not, it is either clever and cerebral, or it is funny. Not always, but often.

Having reiterated that from previous posts, let's talk a bit about AMERICAN humor, why it isn't often clever or witty or seldom designed to make you think. And why American humor is, instead, FUNNY. If you don't "get" a British joke, you can have someone explain it to you until you DO get it, and then you can also say, "Ah! Oh! Yes! I see!" It's never to late to do that with British humor. American humor doesn't need to be explained, and, indeed, often evaporates under close scrutiny. You can't explain WHY you drop to your knees all watery-eyed, choking and red-faced, pounding the ground. You just DO.

Why is it funny when Curley Joe squirts the pompous mayor in the face with a seltzer bottle? Why is it funny when Milton Berle, not content with simply dressing up as an ugly woman, begins to walk on the sides of his ankles? Why is it funny when Buddy Hacket struts across the stage like a crazed drum major pretending to be a giraffe, screaming, "The highballs are on me!" Who knows? It just IS funny.

Those three examples are all dead now, just as dead as Benny Hill. Rest in peace. What other British comedians did I like besides Benny Hill? (although, in truth, I mainly just liked the half-naked girls on Benny Hill, and his shirts with matched-fabric neckties mostly turned me off to Benny himself.) Oddly, David Frost. I thought he was hilarious. Until someone once told me that he wasn't really a true comedian on purpose but was acting and talking like that NATURALLY. John Cleese? Sure. But again too clever, and you had to really pay attention and think about what he was saying. But I liked him pretty much anyway.

I am sitting here trying to dredge up examples of American "no-think" humor for you to roll your eyes and shrug your shoulders at. I was watching a rerun of "O Brother, Where Art Thou?" the other night on HBO, and it occurs to me there are several examples of American humor in that, although some of the scenes were admittedly too clever to qualify outright. Do you remember Big Dan Teague in that movie? He was the representation of Homer's cyclops (in the movie), played by John Goodman.

Do you remember the part where they are all sitting under that big tree after eating fried chicken from that restaurant, and Big Dan gets up and breaks a dead limb off the tree and starts whacking the other two with it? See... at that point you can just turn down the sound altogether and the scene would still be hilarious. Try it sometime when you have rented that movie. You often don't even NEED sound with American humor.

Perhaps that is the real difference - American humor is very often visual in nature. Seldom can you really turn down the sound with British humor. At least that comes to my mind as I think of the differences.

::Post is interrupted by the sound of a phone ringing. Imagine the ring tone as perhaps the intro to Buddy Holly's "That'll be the Day" or similar::

"Max?"

"Yes."

"This is Elvira."

"Yes, God."

"Max, you've gone on long enough. Tell them the post is over."

"Yes, Elvira. Goodbye."

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The origin of Elvira: