Foreign language skills needed

When visiting the UK, Americans will undoubtedly want to experience an "Authentic British Pub". Of course. Why else would you even go? Never mind. The point is that if you think it is going to be just like an American Bar, you are in for a surprise.

I just read a section of a book written by a British author, and got much of the information for this post from this book. (I tried to change a few words here and there.) I mention this so that you don't attack me in case what follows turns out to be a pack of lies. Here's what to expect.

1. The first thing you will notice if you are simply wanting to go for a pint is that you can sit at a table until hell freezes over and never get a pint. This is because, in the main, British pubs don't have wandering waitresses in skimpy outfits who constantly hustle drinks. Don't know why. The Brits would sell a zillion more drinks if they didn't make you line up at the bar and plead with them to give them your money. So, one must assume the first difference between a pub and an American bar is that the Bar knows it is there primarily to take a lot of your money and to push drinks at you as fast as humanly possible. Admittedly, this story may just be a cruel hoax, perpetrated by said British author as an attempt at humor. It certainly doesn't seem logical to make your customers wait on themselves like that. If only because they won't want to do it very often.

2. Conversely, because you have no waitress, there is no waitress to tip everytime she brings a round of beer. (Although, in the UK, that would be called lager, probably.) You don't tip the bartender either. I know, I know. At those dry bars set up in the corner of wedding receptions, you are used to stuffing money in the big jar as you wait for him to hand you a bottle. Like he deserves a buck for taking the cap off for you, right? But in the UK, apparently there is no such tip jar. Very strange. And very cool indeed.

3. Don't be looking for frozen strawberry daiquiris.  Pub barmen, as a rule, are not into mixing up exotic drinks. Nor are they likely to have a huge recipe book behind the bar as you find in the U.S. Beer. Wine. Vodka. Gin. Tequila. Whiskey (which they will spell whisky). And take it with a minimum of stuff in it, ok? Orange juice. Tonic water. A few other things. Not many.

4. Don't expect to be able to run a tab automatically. You pay as you go in Britain, unless you are known. Although, oddly, they will often take checks. But they will spell it ...... never mind.

5. Good news! Many pubs serve food. Actual real food, not just chicken wings in hot sauce or little beenie weenie sausages. No. Sandwiches. Hearty sandwiches. Yo! And pasties and OF COURSE....Fish and Chips. The bad news: it ain't free. Just as you would have to pay for a real meal in an American bar. But the Brits don't set out a bunch of free stuff for you pig out on, either.

Here are some words you had better learn if you are going to a pub or fast food place in the UK:

1. Bevvy (absolutely nothing to do with quail.)

2. Chippy (not a cheap whore.)

3. "My Shout" (actually, Americans don't have to learn this term since they would never do it.)

4. Scrumpy (hint: cider in the UK is never, or hardly ever, non-alcoholic. Definitely not what you think it is. And Scrumpy is the worst/best of the lot.

5. Starter (nothing to do with automobile parts or foot races.)

6. Take-away (not related to subtraction exercises)

And, of course, there are a few words that you as an American need to refrain from using. They won't know what you mean:

1. Appetizer (it simply isn't)

2. Bus Boy/bussing (simply not known)

3. Doggy bag (simply not used)

4. Tailgate party (simply not done)

5. Wet bar (a bar is a bar is a bar to a Brit)

6. 86 it (That will draw you some quizzical looks.)

But, holy hot tamales, is it ever fun. Worth the flight over there.

First, tell me who you are

Yesterday's post opened up many unexpected avenues to explore, and I sense there are special words along each of those avenues. It occurs to me that before I start to make arguments about language and culture, I perhaps should know something about yours.

Just because I don't know this information would not necessarily stop me from spouting off, normally, but here I find that I have a strange genuine desire to learn more about those islands over there off the coast of France. So, why not argue from an informed perspective? I said to myself.

And here you are, just gagging to make a comment and share all your knowledge and experiences, right? Or was it just the Aussies who gag to do things? I forgot already.

I want to know about each—England, Wales, Scotland, and NI. Think that's all nowadays. I'm not going to be so anal as to take them each in turn (sorry A.), but instead you may talk about your own, or your favorite, or the one whose culture you feel familiar with, as you choose, all mixed up together.

As for England, I have discovered there are several distinct regions. Silly me, I thought only the U.S. came in distinct regions. So perhaps some of you can get rather specialized for me. Quickly, he adds, so as to avoid indignant unrelated comments, it is suspected that EACH comes in unique distinct regions, not just England.

I find that, as I scour my meager memory for information about the UK taught to me as a child in primary school, I can retrieve very little, I'm afraid. I don't know why they taught it so early on when I was in school, maybe 5th grade it was, but that's the way it was and now my ignorance is really showing. Help me out. Hell, it's probably all different now anyway, right?

Of course, judging from past quizzing, you folks know very little about my country either, so that makes me feel a little better.

All I can see in my mind's eye right now are snippets: mimeographed maps we had to put names of cities on. Draw boundary lines. Birmingham. Cutlery. Coal mining. Loch Ness. Loch Lomond. Loch being lake, I take it. Wee Bobby Burns. You take the high road. Comin' through the rye. Childhood songs. How Green Was My Valley. London Bridge is falling down (did it really, I wonder?)

It's all jumbled together in there. Need to sort it out again. Help me, he cries in desperation. Then I will come back and argue with you about the need for preservation of individual cultures.

Deal?