America Ensues

Or, "A brief overview of American history written for people who live in other countries and don'r really care that much."

1. Explorers from Europe came to what they later called “America” in ships, and, well, explored.

2. More explorers came. Settlements were established. Some failed, some persisted. Land was “claimed” in the name of this or that “crown”, just as if the land wasn’t already owned by someone else.

3. More people came. Not just explorers but permanent squatters, for various reasons. Such as religious freedom and running from debt collectors. And such.

4. More and more and more people came over from Europe until the actual owners of these “new lands” began to think: “Holy mackeral! Enough is enough!” and began to defend their land and livelihood.

5. Too late. Too many white eyes had come. With guns.

6. The various “crowns” began to recognize the squatter settlements and give large amounts of land they didn’t own to various favorite individuals and corporate raiders.

7. Plunder ensued.

8. Still more people came. Eventually, they began to truly BELIEVE they owned the new lands they had explored and squatted on and plundered.

9. They called themselves "colonies," no longer trying to hide the fact that they were colonizing. Imperialistically-like.

10. Too late, the true landlords realized their immigration policy was flawed, and their lands were stolen away.

11. Maybe a hundred years pass. Many more people from Europe (all with guns) continue to illegally immigrate. The illegals slowly begin to realize they were sending a lot of goods and taxes to the "crown" with not a whole lot in return. A few of them decide that maybe they just wouldn't do it anymore.

12. Tea parties ensue.

13. Hundreds of ships arrive, courtesy of “The Crown,” loaded with red-suited guys, all with guns. Guns are an American way of life.

14. Militias being not yet well-regulated, much American ass is kicked.

15. France ensues.

16. The crown shrugs. What the hell. The USA ensues.

17. The colonies are now called “states.” They agree to form a confederation called The United States of America for mutual protection and regulated money and commerce. Or something like that. Union ensues. No power is given to the federal government though. Chaos ensues.

18. The Founding Fathers ensue.

19. The southern states finally agree to allow a few changes to be made to the Articles of Confederation. Perhaps a little power to the central government might be in order. Changes, not wholesale replacements.

20. The Founding Fathers replace the whole damn thing. Much southern pissedoffedness ensues. Especially about slavery. Compromises ensue.

21. The actual owners of the land ask politely what’s in it for them in this new paper. The Founding Fathers tell them they can’t vote or have their land back, but they won’t be taxed either. That’s mighty white of you, the Indians reply. More divisiveness ensues.

22. Decades pass. The true owners of the land are absorbed or driven farther and farther west. Manifest Destiny is assumed. Mexico has most of the vast amounts of lands she has stolen from the Indians restolen in the name of that “destiny.” Texas, California, and the New Mexico territories ensue.

23. Slavery continues in the southern states. The can is kicked down the road again and again and again.

24. Abraham Lincoln ensues.

25. Upon Abe’s election, the southern slave states secede from the union. Lincoln demurs. War ensues.

26. By executive order, Lincoln frees the slaves. The south is eventually subjugated. Lincoln is assassinated. Reconstruction ensues.

27. The gospel of Manifest Destiny persists. Westward expansion and huge landgrabs follow. Railroads are built. Gold and silver are discovered. The rightful owners of the land are herded onto reservations. Genocide ensues.

28. The Guilded Age blossoms. Cutthroat capitalism makes a few robber barons outlandishly wealthy. Common people live in abject poverty. Immigrants arrive by the tens of thousands from Europe and Asia. Exploitation ensues.

29. The twentieth century arrives with marvelous promise and wonderful inventions, but with wars and pestilence as well. Females of the species are discovered, and they want to vote. The U.S. is forced to step in and save Europe from it’s bickering and folly by winning the Great War for them. Workers unite. Labor unions ensue.

30. The economy collapses. Brother, can you spare a dime? FDR and his New Deal arrive. The New Deal is Socialism. America will never be the same. Good.

31. Once again, America is forced to go win a European war for them. An unearthly bright light turns the nighttime sky of the New Mexico desert as bright as day. Wonderment. Hell is unleashed. Armageddon ensues. Imperial Japan is subdued, but the genie is forever out of the bottle.

32. A new era of prosperity seems to be within grasp. The Cold War and the Space Race come and go. Somewhere in between the promised prosperity and the Berlin Wall and the Space Shuttle, America loses sight of what it is and why it is.

33. Jimmy Carter ensues.

34. Greed, hedonism, and a lack of focus or purpose leads the once-powerful and respected land called America down the path of disunity, bullying, and absence of any real moral character. Heavy borrowing from enemies ensues until the country is bankrupt. The rightful landowners turn to casinos for survival.

35. From nothing back to nothing in 400 years.

36. Ignorance ensues.

People in glass houses

Sadly, the indignant barking and growling going on now in your House of Commons is spilling over into our tv news. I was willing to let this subject be, as long as you kept it confined to the UK, but it is now affecting (not impacting) my personal life, so let me explain remind you of a few facts of life in an effort to calm your blood pressure a bit.

First, let me say the obvious: what they did was despicable. wire tapping, hacking, lying, betraying their offices, intruding on the lives of people who already had suffered enough, and the rest. The lot of them. Now, the list of reminders:

1. All politicians are lying, cheating, dastardly, bribe-taking, sell-their-souls scumbags. Beware when you see them on tv pointing fingers and being all holy. And stuff.

2. There are no exceptions to number one, above. None.

3. All news organizations have one goal and that is to make money. They will lie, cheat, wire-tap, bribe, lie again, intrude, betray confidences, hurt the innocent, and fill in what they don't know with more lies. Beware when you see a newspaper spouting off about what low-lifes their competition is.

4. There are no exceptions to rule number three, above. All have sinned and come short of the glory of .... I don't know.... Randolph Hearst. ::Rosebud::

5. All moguls are out to make Billions and Billions of dollars (or Euros or £££s or whatever you prefer) on the backs of whomever it takes for them to make money. Moguls have a personality which combines the traits of politicians, news organizations, bottom-feeders (lawyers) and will do whatever it takes to make more money.

6. Politicians will attack like a rabid dog any opponent who has made an embarrassing public error. They will be relentless. Never mind they were just as dirty last month.

7. News organizations will do whatever it takes to make themselves look good in order to trash and hopefully run a competitor out of business.

8. One of the most hilarious things you will ever see in your life is to watch a mogul dragged before people he doesn't respect and despises and be called publicly to account for his dastardly actions. Sometimes the same actions the stone-throwers were doing themselves last month. (Hint: an honest neutral special prosecutor needs to be appointed to get to the bottom of this, chips fall where they may, and stop letting the pot people keep calling the kettle people black.)

9. The people have a very short attention span. After the intitial mud-slinging and Rupert bashing excitement are over, they will likely just walk away and go back to watching football at their favorite pub...

So, the holier-than-thou detractors who seek short term possible re-election points by being on tv shouting insults at the PM on the evening news, and the wonderful remaining lilly-white pure newspapers who condemn the vile Rupert style of "journalism" which they themselves so vehemently abhor, had better strike while the iron is hot and before the next public scandal supplants the present opportunity to demonstrate their virtue. You may be sure there will be one.

---------

There but for the grace of God....

There is absolutely no financial difference between Rupert Murdock and myself except that he has a lot of money and I have next to none. And, except for a completely different set of values and morals, we could be twins.

I can assure you that at this time next year, Rupert will be again hobnobbing with the politicians and the rich and famous, thinking up new scams to increase the circulation of his new newspaper that he will have replaced this one with. This because he is contrite, you see. ::tears welling up again::

And me? I will still be eating beans out of can and blogging.

---------

In the next post in this spot I will analyze some of the bloggings of outrage on some of the higher class British blogs I frequent. You may be sure I will be my usual respectful self.

---------

Chill Wills, in "Giant": "People, people, people."

---------

Nobody cuts deeper or more on target than Nate Beeler.

Secret Service code names

The U.S. Secret Service, the agency charged with protecting the President and his family (and other important government officials) has chosen the code names for the new first family, we are told. The code names all will start with the letter "R".

The new president will be referred to as "Renegade" by the Secret Service.

The new first lady (a woman of many talents) will be called "renaissance."

Daughter Malia Obama will be code-named "Radiance."

And little sister Sasha Obama will be "Rosebud."

Awwww.

Vice President Biden will continue to be known simply as "That asshole from Delaware."

Hail to the Chief

Please welcome America's new First Family:

Sasha, Michelle, Barack, Malia.

Godspeed.

Not just two, by the way

As this is being posted the voting for American President is underway. The polls in the East will begin to close in about a half hour from now. Soon we will see how accurate all those "guess" polls have been over the past couple of years. There have been many "scientific" guess polls of late. Few agree. Surely the BBC would be the most accurate, one would think. Certainly the most unbiased. Heh.

I have been asked several times today, "Who did you vote for, McCain or Obama?" As if those were the only people running for U.S. President. The above picture is the presidential section of the ballot for my state. Of course there are many other offices and bond issues and state constitutional ammendments, judge retentions and various commission issues up for vote this time, as well as President and Congressional seats. The names on the ballot would be different in some other states. (Not all candidates had enough support to get on the ballot in every single state. Obama and McCain did.)

I tend to favor the Green Party's ideals. Certainly a hell of a lot more than I do the Democrats or Republicans. Cynthia would make a great president. At least from an idealistic standpoint. Bob Barr, the Libertarian, is a bit TOO anti government for my taste. And good old Ralph Nader, our resident perennial Independent, continues to draw enough support to make it on the ballot again. Ralph is a Palestinian, by the way, just in case anyone thought the U.S. was anti whatever. He also wrote a book about unsafe Corvair cars back in the 1960s. A good man.

This, simply to remind you that there are more than 2 choices for President, as usual, and that no one really has to vote for the lesser of two evils. It isn't a horse race, so you don't get anything extra for voting for the winner. Hate McCain? Hate Obama? Vote for Cynthia - the trees and the ice caps and the rain forests on this planet will love you.

Good luck to whomever "wins" the hot seat. They will need it.

Not saying who I voted for.

--------

Edit: Happy birthday to Laura Bush. Your celebration is likely to get lost in the media shuffle of today's election, but I thought you were pretty cool. Are cool, I guess - you're not dead.

Surprise VP pick

John McCain this afternoon stunned Washington insiders by unexpectedly choosing a self-styled "soccer mom" to be his running mate in the November Presidential election. His selection came one day after the end of the Democratic Convention which nominated Sen. Barack Obama of Illinois and Sen. Joseph Biden of Delaware as that party's team.

McCain's choice was totally unexpected, and completely passed over the more well-known political names in the Republican party. Sarah Palin is a 44 year old mother of 5. She is the first female in history to be a Republican Vice-Presidential candidate. Her politial record is almost as scant as Senator Obama's is on the Dem side. She is a grass-roots conservative.

Palin is the Governor of the State of Alaska. Her selection by McCain obviously changes the dynamic of the Presidential race, as polls are already showing moderate Democratic women (especially the former supporters of Hillary Clinton) now shifting their support to the Republican side, in support of the female candidate.

She will face closer than usual scrutiny: due to John McCains age, there is a much greater chance she would actually be called upon to become president. Senator McCain just turned 72.

She is the mother of five children. Her oldest son is in the U.S. Army and is scheduled to be deployed to Iraq later this year. She has 3 daughters. Her youngest child, a son, born just this past April, was born with Down's Syndrome.

--------

Photos:

Above: Gov. Palin's father holds photo of his daughter the beauty queen.
Above: Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin, shown with some of her children at Philadelphia Zoo in July.
Above: Governor Palin talks to troops in Nome Alaska.

Senator John McCain announces his Vice-Presidential running mate will be Alaska Governer Sarah Palin, Friday. She is the first female Republican Vice-Presidential candidate ever.

Happy Birthday to Dubya.

We sure are having a lot of birthdays lately.

George W. Bush, born July 6, 1946, in New Haven, Connecticut.

Ummm...this is your last birthday in office, right? You'll forgive me if I check that out? One moment, please...

AMENDMENT XXII
Passed by Congress March 21, 1947. Ratified February 27, 1951.
Section 1.
"No person shall be elected to the office of the President more than twice..."

Ok. Just checking. No offense.

Christ. I just thought of something. What if he suddenly agrees with the liberals who claim he wasn't really elected the first time, and uses that as an excuse to run again. Can he do that???

"Well, hell's bells, I was only elected once. Y'all said that yersefs. You bin sayin' it fer 8 goddam years now. Screw ya. You were right all along. So I'm runnin' agin."

------------------

Also, on a lighter note, Grumpus reminds me that today was also the date of birth of Frida Kahlo. Thank you, Grumpus.

Also (on my own) John Paul Jones and Sylvester Stalone.

Who else? Don't want to miss anyone. Oh:

Jamie Lee Curtis' mother Janet Leigh. But she was killed in the original Psycho.

Nancy Reagan, Della Reese (happy birthday Della! Mwaaa!!)

And, popular singers Gene Chandler, 50 Cent, and the Dahli Lama. Ummm. He isn't a singer. You knew that.

Are we out of space? Good.

Government and Politics

I hate politics. Nevertheless, Government and Politics is a legitimate word category. One supposes there are many words and phrases that are unique to this rather odious enterprise. I mean to collect some of them.

This idea has come to me because it has come to my attention that there is a political election of sorts going on in the USA right now. We have elections here every 2 years. Every 2 years we elect a new Congress and one-third of our Senate. Every other election, we also elect a President. Well, not really. The people give their input, but the Constitution doesn't really give a shit about that. But the people like to pretend to vote for President. So that's cool. There are a couple of very good reasons why the President is not elected by the people, by the way: They are just too stupid; and, frankly, it's just none of their business. So the Founding Fathers took it out of their hands, more or less. The several states elect the president. Sometimes they cast their votes for the candidate that the people living in those states tell them to vote for, and sometimes not. It is a long story—one Brits could never hope to understand anyway. And why on earth would you care?

Suffice to say that, just going by the coverage I have found on their blogs, Australians seem to care much more about who is elected president than most Americans. I don't have a clue why, but the Aussies are dead serious about who the next U.S. President should be. Mostly, the Aussies seem to favor that Irish guy O'bama, from what I can tell. There are three Democrats running this year, no Republicans. So you already know what party is going to win. McCain is pretending to be a Republican (wink, wink) just so it looks like democracy in action. Ho, hum. Americans are not particularly interested in the outcome because they are well aware by now that none of these thieves are going to do anything for them except rob them again. So who cares, right? Well, the Aussies care. But nobody else.

In the UK, you have a parliament. That is one of the first things I would like to learn about. To help you, I have drawn a box below which contains all the things I already know about how your parliament works.

Ok. That leaves the field pretty much open. I do know that the people in your parliament are elected (don't know for how long, or if there even is a particular term. Maybe they just stay in until another party comes in power? Probably not. Parties: I know about Tories and Labor. Labor is when a woman has a child, and Tories are children of the LA Dodgers Manager, who just came over from the NY Yankees. Correct?

I presume you only have one chamber. And, hence only one chamber pot. Unless you count the House of Lords. Do they actually have a function, by the way? Perhaps. So I'd better ask you about those then. The leader of your government is the Prime Minister. And this is by virtue of the fact that he is head of the party that currently happens to be in power, right? Um. Or is he actually elected? I mean you don't have the possibility of having a Prime Minister from an opposition minority party, like in the U.S. (where the president can be just about any party at all and not be affiliated with the majority party, and nobody but the Aussies care anyway.) So that is different.

And, your form of government is called a Constitutional Monarchy. Wow. Begging your pardon, but that really sounds like an oxymoron. How does that work? I'm guessing that she's not really a queen in the sense that she tells people what to do and cuts off their heads, like her ancestors did, correct? So, you have, like, a Constitution that tells her she is not needed, right? But you still pay her and a bunch of her family anyway. Is that correct? Awesome, guys! We'll collect some of them special queen words too, if you don't mind.

For my part, I will be compiling a list of American political terms, such as "Muckraker" and "Carpetbagger" and "Asshole." Then you kind folks can tell me what words we have in common on that list, and you will also, hopefully, make a list of your own for me to laugh at. Then we will all go to the pub on Lord Likely. It will be fun.

Pretend we are writing a chapter on government and politics now. Who will start?

---------------------

Starter list of political words: These are all American words. Are some of these also used in British politics? Can you list words that are unique to British politics? Does this make you think? Sorry.

lame duck
bleeding heart
dark horse
caucus
convention
slate
filibuster
stump
GOP
inside the beltway
lobby
muckraker
platform
bully pulpit
primary
rubber chicken circuit
silent majority
gerrymander
smoke-filled room
pork barrel
swing vote
whistle-stopping
"MIMZIE"



Politcal Question of the Day: Do snails really enjoy sex?