I still like to peruse Australian blogs, even though I have pretty much given up finding an Aussie to participate in my book project. They are mostly into bigger and better things. I love the irreverent humor in some of their blogs, and never cease to be astonished at some of the things they seem to be deeply interested in. Like American politics. Really! Some of those Aussies get downright vicious in who they support to be the next U.S. President. Why? Haven't a clue. But some are really, really, deadly serious about "their" candidate. These people know a lot more about the candidates than this (or most, I would think) Americans know. Most Americans have realized a long time ago that it really doesn't matter who wins; they will inevitably continue to get shat upon no matter who wins. Maybe the Aussies still have hope. Who knows.
Another reason that I felt Aussies were not being attracted to my blog was Max's foul mouth. I have been trying to do something positive about this, but I find the only way I am ever going to be successful in that regard is to simply kill Max off. I find that when I write like I am writing now, Max has left the building. It is simply boring ol' Tom left in here. No profane inspiration in Tom's real personality. Max! Get back in here! They're leaving!
But no, I don't think the profanity is what keeps the Aussies away. If anything, Max doesn't get down and dirty ENOUGH--you should READ some of those Aussie blogs! And those are just the ones the lady schoolteachers write. Following is an example of a recipe for an omelette I "extracted" from an Aussie blog the other day. I wish I could give some link love, but I visited so many blogs I have forgotten which one I stole it from. If I see it again in my travels, I will come back here and give them proper credit.
(Warning: Aussie humor is not cutesy double-entendre.)
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Recipe for Australian omelette:
Ingredients:
2 fucking eggs
some fucking salt and pepper
fucking chives
1 fucking knob (?) of fucking butter
Directions:
Heat the fucking butter in a fucking omelette pan.
Fucking break the fucking eggs into a fucking bowl.
Fucking whisk the fuckers and add some fucking salt and fucking pepper to taste.
When the fucking butter is hot, add the fucking mixture to the pan.
When cooked, take the fucking thing out.
Eat the fucker.
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Ah yes. And you wonder why we refer to it as "down under."
Later.
Then we're all agreed--kill the little wanker off.
ReplyDeleteToday please. Right now.
May I help, please?
(Just make sure his replacement doesn't have such a foul mouth, ok?)
Don't you dare kill Max!!!
ReplyDeleteI grew fond of him. He just needs to be taught some manners. It can be really fun, if you know how to do it properly.
One foul mouthed Aussie reporting for duty!
ReplyDeleteWelcome another girl!
ReplyDeleteMy bud Relax Max is out getting fixed right now--same thing as being killed off-- but he'll be crawling back shortly. Seeing you is sure to cheer him up. Stick around for a while. I think everybody's over at Clairs getting plastered. Ummm...I mean "talking."
Wow! Your avatar is sure sexy looking! Can you really be foul-mouthed? Pant Pant. Go on, let's see how Aussies can fetch it. A little. Pant Pant.
Or "Claires." She'll never see this anyway.
ReplyDeleteGoog. You've run her off you slobbering slag. She doesn't know how lucky she is. Do you really think you and Max can talk to girls like that the very first time you meet them?
ReplyDeleteI hope Max never gets it up ever again, by the way.
Brave talk Floo, Why doncha take a step over my chain line and say that again. Are you ready for another lickin' already?
ReplyDeleteWhat's this I hear about some new fresh-mouthed "down under" chickie needing some personal attention over here? hyunkHyunkHyunk...
ReplyDeleteHit the road toad nuts.
ReplyDeleteNobody needs any help over here. Snag your stupid snoggle out of here or I'm gonna tell Claire what you said.
Dip.
Shit. Shite. Sheee ite.
Hellooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
ReplyDeleteLet's talk about ME and MY needs!
I said bring Max back! Right now! I mean it.
Damn!
ReplyDeleteIt's that orange-haired chick that Max has the hots for.
What to do. What to do.
Well, at least she hasn't seen it yet. Probably not on her reader yet.
She doesn't know it was me anyway. She'll think max posted it and she'll leave again and Max won't even have a foggy idea of what he is supposed to have done.
Yeah! That's it. Just sit tight and play dumb until she reads it and the shit hits the fan.
Too late! The mouth is dead meat by now!
ReplyDeleteNothing can save Max now! Right now they're playing table tennis with his shit-mouthed doggie ouevos, I'll bet.
Bwaaaahahahaha!!!
Fuck you, Max! You're a little GIRL dog now!
Not even Marmelade can save you now!
God how I've been waiting for this day!!!!!
So Yummy, care for a juicy, tasty, delicious Scooby snack, you cute little puppy?
ReplyDeleteI got something very yummy for you, I bet it's better than those shitty biscuits those perverted fuckers are giving you.
C'mon, be a good doggie and come over here. I just want to feed you and caress those cute little irresistible black years of yours. Let's have some fun, the two of us.
PS: Make sure MAx doesn't find out anything about this, ok? Have you taken care of him yet?
Wait a minute! That's it! MARMELADE!
ReplyDeleteMarmelade can save Max! They have secret communications. She knows Max is telepathic. Can she find out where he is?
MARMELADE! Tune in on Max's brain waves! Find out where they are holding him! It's up to you Marmelade.
Did she read Max's truthified profile that CB made him post this morning. Let's hope. Did she listen to Max's stupid theme song that he posted in sidebar? Many clues in that! Hope. Hope. Hope.
Will Maremelate save Max? Or is Max doomed to a lifetime of hopeless nutlessness? Tune in tomorrow.
Wow is this what it feels like to have more than personality??
ReplyDelete:)
Poor Max. Come here and I'll tickle your tummy ;)
ReplyDelete1 in the morning again, and I see that saucy little Aussie has slipped in and out ouf here again while Max's attention was averted. It's that darn time difference. It's probably, like, 2 in the afternoon right now in Australia. Next Wednesday. Or something like that.
ReplyDeleteHere chickie chickie. Come to Maxie. Don't be afraid--Max will be gentle.
At first.
Ok. Max has a serious question now. This is to any Aussie out there who cares to anwer:
ReplyDeleteGo flush your toilet.
Ok, which way does it swirl? Clockwise, or counter clockwise? (Or anti-clockwise, whatever)?
Actually, being upside down, it would seem it wouldn't swirl at all, but simply fly up in your face, but I'm guessing it swirls, right.
Max has a bet riding on this, so please take him seriously. I have a friend who says it swirls the same direction as up on top of the equator. I say the opposite.
Ah...I just KNEW the vast amounts of money that has been poured into developing the internet would pay off for me someday.
Which is it?
All I know is that Aussie chicks are the 3rd hottest in the world, right after French and Czech. Really, that's all I know.
ReplyDeleteLots of humor (humour) blogs use 'bad language' to try to entertain.
ReplyDeletePersonally, it turns me right off and I rapidly head for the exit.
Does this make me a really bad person?
(However, your recipe made me smile!)
OOOhhhh, you people upset rob hopcott(?) I am telling my Mom. Where is the omelette?
ReplyDeleteEttaRose! How good of you to come. I was hoping you might! I have been cleaning house all day. I have a feeling you mightn't have minded though. While I won't make major changes for just any whim, I think we probably were moving a little close to the edge the past few days. So I have taken out some of the smellier garbage.
ReplyDeleteMy new rule is to try and keep Max away from gratuitous vulgarity simply for shock value. But if it is clever or really funny, well, he still gets to use those words.
Browse around a bit EttaRose, while I tell you I'm working on an interesting post, but really intend to sneak out and look at your profile. :)
Thanks again for your company!
Well guys, Max has completed the preliminary reconnasains on EttaRose. She's probably left by now, so Max will speak freely.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, she is not an Aussie, although that's where I first met her. She must have been out kissing up, same as I. She's an American, North Carolina. (A word to the wise--if any of you truly possess that trait--don't fuck with Southern Belles. Unless you're looking to get your you-know-what kicked up one side and down the other; Of course, she may not be a native Tarheel. Will have to stalk her more to find that one out. Hell, I'll just ASK her, if she has the stomach to come back. She's just a Spring Chicken--at least compared to Max, probably born on the same day as Aerten. They may even be twins separated at birth. But perhaps max is assuming too much again. In BlogLand, she is EdgeOfInsanity.com. (Link love later, if she returns.) The main thing is that her blog tells me she's ok. She's pretty potty-mouthed (not enough, but we can probably teach her some tricks) and she is just as sarcastic and cynical as Max--except she doesn't use a bunch of smiley faces like you lovely folks have trained Max to use. So you don't know when EttaRose it teasing or not. Damn sure didn't sound like teasing. What do you say we try and sell her one of those $50 ads before she realizes we don't sell ads? We can all go out on the tiles as Claire would say, and have a sherbet or two. I vote to destroy this comment and see how gullible this sarcastic chickie is.
You all did understand that to be "reconnaissance", right. And I even copied and pasted it into the comment. Wonder what happened?
ReplyDeleteSecondary investigation (I actually read some of her blog instead of just noting the swear words) shows that EttaRose might really be an Aussie. At least she seems to be scamming to get a round-trip ticket to go there. On the other hand it IS round trip and not one-way. And she also psycho-babbles on about Yuma, Arizona. Didn't get that. She also claimed to be fucking a 50 foot garden hose. I pretty sure that's what she said. Had to sneak back out of her blog before she caught me reading. Stay tuned.
ReplyDeleteAlright!!!! Who's the wise ass? Come on fess up. I know it was someone here because of the truly lingering odor of some kind of shit! I am not sure but there are shitty little footprints all over my blog. I probably could be an aussie ifn I wanted ter but I been in North Carolina so long now I TALK LIKE A FUCKING REDNECK! Just because of your blatant snooping I am putting the name of this blog on my blogroll, and God help me I hope you get lots of people who will in turn snoop on your site. Good day Gentlemen!
ReplyDeleteWhy, THANKY, EttaRose! And rightfuckin'backatya on that link love. That's right--YOU QUALIFY because you've come twice now, and that's all a wannabe Aussie has to do around here! From now on, your official BritishSpeak name shall be...ummmm....
ReplyDeleteROSIE THE HOSIE.
Don't be a stranger, hear?
:) :) :)
PS--mostly these gentlemen are ladies, I'm afraid. They are just zoned out today and very silent.
Max shame on you for trying to enlist me in a battle against ettarose, she is way too cool.
ReplyDeleteLaughing my arse off at Rosie the Hosie though :)
ReplyDeleteToo late. But thanks for coming anyway. I just wanted to look at you one last time.
ReplyDeleteRosie the Hosie??? As long as you respect me in the morning. Oh and Claire, I loves ya baby!
ReplyDelete