(Try and) Findus

The following news story really had me snorting and pawing the ground and champing at the bit when I read it. Any unauthorized additions to the story appear in [brackets.]

(NEWSER) – First British and Irish consumers were aghast to discover horse meat in their hamburgers. Now, horse meat is turning up in frozen beef lasagnas, with 11 of 18 tested Findus products containing horse meat in the 60% to 100% range, reports the AP. Findus pulled its beef lasagnas [is lasagnas really a word?] from stores and apologized immediately, saying it had "fully resolved" issues with its meat supplies.

While horse meat is not considered a hazard per se, [or at least not one we would pay for, says the NHS] food safety officials are testing the meat for the veterinary drug phenylbutazone, which is banned from entering the food chain. Many food officials are pointing fingers at Irish beef exporters, who in turn are blaming Polish suppliers [who in turn are blaming the lax disposal methods of royal polo ponies.] The UK Food Standards Agency is calling for more comprehensive meat testing to ensure labels accurately represent products.

[End of news story]

May I note that I have never seen an Irish consumer aghast? This thought itself is a mental treat to me in my news story reverie. Truly. An Irish consumer in a genuine state of aghastment, perhaps sitting on a curb/kerb with his/her head in his/her hands, perhaps a horse lover forever disillusioned with his/her trusted government meat inspectors. Did you know you can buy bison meat in the U.S. - all ground up to make bison burgers out of - right next to the ground beef packages in the meat display case in some supermarkets? Well, you can. But you won't mistake it for ground beef because it is too red and lacks all the fat of American ground beef.

Extra tidbit at no extra charge: Did you know that when Arizona cops stop you for DWI and give you a breathalizer test, they ask you to try and say the word phenylbutazone while blowing into it? Then they laugh at you and arrest you anyway, and take you to jail where you are fed Sheriff Joe's green baloney sandwiches with rattlesnake protein mixed in it.

Finally, here is a gratuitous photo I stole from Soubriquet's wallet, just to see if he reads all the way down to the end of the post. Ta.

Bocksing Day

Today is Bocksing Day, and thank goodness it is almost over. Being myself rather evenly gruntled, I am so tired of fighting the disgruntled crowds who are returning disliked Christmas gifts.

Bocksing Day, named after a revered Chinese rail worker whose descendents settled far from Promentory,  began in rural Montana in 1939, the custom quickly spreading like the plague up into Canada. Canada quickly accepted it as their third national holiday. Eh?

As most of you know - all of you who observe it, at least - Bocksing Day takes place 6 days before the first day of any new year, and was REALLY so-named because it was customary for people in rural Montana to visit churches and place small coins (called "bocks") in the slot of the metal poor bockses located outside churches. While similar, this practice should not be confused with the summer custom of folding single dollar bills (called "bucks") and placing them under diner tables, using chewing gum (called spoggytwag) in medium-sized cities in Wisconsin, which custom is much older than Bocksing Day.

In western Canada, most particularly in the well-to-do Alberta regions of Pincher Creek and Cardston, where most people have several household employees and servants, the tradition was known as "Bacziating Day" (from the Swedish "to put one on the right horse") and entailed putting their servants in bockses (though spelled "baczies") and allowing the household children to beat the sides of said bockses in an apparent attempt to "humble" the servants. This origin is rather obscure, even by Canadian standards. Nonetheless, it was practiced 6 days before the new year in the greater Pincher Creek Valley, losing popularity in the bocksing season of 1942-1943 when one chambermaid was permanently deafened.

Bocksing Day is not really a known holiday outside the U.S. and (temporarily) in that one small Swedish community in western Canada.

Bye Bye Birdie

Bye Bye Birdie was a 1963 movie. I'm pretty sure it was a Broadway play before that. This post is not about that movie/play.
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22 January, 1901. Osborne House, Isle of Wight. The family is gathered. The German Kaiser has just said his goodbyes to his loved Grandmama in private. For once he is subdued, behaving himself, sitting quietly and causing no trouble.

Ever since the death of her husband, she had been in mourning, dressed in black. Something I didn't know though, was that the she still had "them" lay out his clothes every morning, just as if he were still alive. Of course, being who I am, that made me wonder if they kept laying out the same suit of clothes each day, or if she selected his pretend wardrobe and let them know what to lay out. Further, I wondered if she still bought him new clothes so the latest fashions could be laid out for him. But that's just me. You may not think it is important. Nevertheless, it was probably good to have the wherewithal to be able to hire someone to do stuff like that.

There are several versions of what the last words the old queen uttered before she expired. The concensus is, "Bertie! Bertie!"

Well, she was looking into his eyes and perhaps holding his hand, so one assumes she was talking to her son during her final seconds. Bertie being the only name she had ever called him. She never had called her husband by that name, Bertie, by all accounts. So.

Others swear she said, "O! That peace might come. Bertie!" That sounds like royal PR for the press release. I will go with just, "Bertie! Bertie!"

The Shanghai Squeeze

Warning - this post is not for the weak of stomach: It contains quotes from today's Mail Online. You've been warned.

"Was Wallis Simpson all woman? There's always been speculation about her sexual make-up. Now in a major reassessment her biographer uncovers new evidence."

Gag me with a spoon, why don't you.

Not wanting to inflict more of the Mail Online upon you than absolutely necessary (I read it so you don't have to) I will skip straightaway to the good parts.

"Those in the know shook their heads in disbelief. How on earth had a plain woman, in her late 30s managed to bewitch the most eligible bachelor in the world? What sinister hold did she have over him? And what were her secrets?"

Max ponders "her" secrets. The mind boggles.

Thelma Furness, Ed's most recent-but-now-jilted mistress blabbed and blurted. Seems the 5ft 7in Prince was known as 'the little man' for a completely different reason. And...

"He was sexually inadequate and prone to premature ejaculation."

HOLY MACKERAL! JESUSJOSEPHANDMARY!! HAS THE MAIL ONLINE NO MODESTY WHATSOEVER?

"He was sexually inadequate and prone to premature ejaculation."

Max thinks, uncharitably as usual, that Wallis' face would be a sure cure for the latter.

The Mail Online is shamelessly breathless and red-faced now, neck veins bulging as they continue:

"Charles Higham, one of her early biographers, went into greater detail, describing an ancient Chinese skill at which she was apparently adept, involving 'a prolonged and carefully modulated hot oil massage' and various arts to delay gratification. Indeed, it was known that Wallis has spent a good deal of time in China... "

"There was also even rumoured to be a China dossier, which detailed the intimate techniques she'd perfected, variously called the Baltimore Grip, Shanghai Squeeze or China Clinch... "

Max: "Avast! Make way! Clear the ship's railing. Breakfast lunch and dinner all coming up now!"

WTF WTF WTF???????

CAREFULLY MODULATED??????

THE CHINA CLINCH????

"More tomorrow", the Mail Online threatens.

Disclaimer: the author of this blog takes full responsibility** for photo captions.

**Not to be construed as a serious offer of responsibility.

British phrases which confuse Americans, #217

Norfolk, East Anglia: "Gateway to the Broads."

Really?

Losing America, part deux

"Now where did I put it?"

Old Ads from Max's old mag collection

Yummy: Leave him alone, sister. This bloke's bowels are bound up solid!
Max: Why don't you go buy some titties, mama?
Yummy: Hello! It's roughage, by gad!
Max: He said "nad" heh heh.
Yummy: Did not, cornholer. heh heh.
Yummy: Hell yes! Whoopie! Don't get too far from the loo, though!
Max: What the hell's that floating in the water? Seaweed? Brown seaweed?
Yummy: Yeah! Brown seaweed! Heh heh. Splash him with it sister!
Yummy: No. No better way than to eat shovelfuls of Kellogg's overpriced bran chaff! Eat our crap and crap!
Max: He said "crap" heh heh. Just like Butthead and Beavis. Heh heh.
Yummy: Did not, butt munch. Heh heh.

Scientists: The UK continues to grow.

For a long time now, there have been reports of the growth of the UK. Most of us have simply assumed this referred to population growth. Today, this myth was set to rest as scientists confirmed that the UK land mass was actually growing at an alarming rate, now completly covering Iceland. There is talk of a UK-USA superbridge, using Greenland as a mid-point, but engineers say it would be best to wait for a few years, as a bridge may not even be needed before long.

One happy side-effect of this tremendous growth: the British government is currently giving away large quantities of land to political supporters currently in favor.

The Law of the Jungle: Lies, Damned Lies, and Misdirections.

Bernard Shaw was Irish. A playwright. But he wrote other things besides plays.


"Now this is the Law of the Jungle -- as old and as true as the sky;
And the Wolf that shall keep it may prosper, but the Wolf that shall break it must die.
As the creeper that girdles the tree-trunk the Law runneth forward and back --
For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack."

I have long been an admirer  of British poets. This is not unusual; a large number of Americans dote on all things British. With good reason.

"Do not go gentle into that good night,

Old age should burn and rave at close of day;

Rage, rage against the dying of the light."

George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950) was born in Dublin, but moved to London at the age of 20, and lived in England the rest of his life.

"GIVE me a golden pen, and let me lean
On heap’d up flowers, in regions clear, and far;
Bring me a tablet whiter than a star,
Or hand of hymning angel, when ’tis seen
The silver strings of heavenly harp atween:
And let there glide by many a pearly car,
Pink robes, and wavy hair, and diamond jar,
And half discovered wings, and glances keen.
The while let music wander round my ears,
And as it reaches each delicious ending,
Let me write down a line of glorious tone,
And full of many wonders of the spheres:
For what a height my spirit is contending!
’Tis not content so soon to be alone."

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Isn't it amazing how the truth can be tortured without actually telling an outright lie? Can you find even one outright lie in this entire post? And yet the entire piece is a lie from start to finish, isn't it? Tell me about it. Unless you have to Google to tell me about it. As usual, I don't want to listen to you if you Google answers. Anyone can Google things and never bother to educate themselves at all. Tell me what YOU know, please.

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Winston Churchill: "I am a simple man, easily satisfied with the best."

So is Max.

A longing for the past

As the 1940s drew to a close, a new era of prosperity was dawning in America. The war was over and the returning servicemen had married their sweethearts and had begun to start families of their own.

Pictured above is a typical American family of the period, the Phil Jones family of Atumwa, Iowa. Housewife Liz is the daughter of a corn and dairy farmer, and Phil is the assistant band director at Atumwa high school. They have 1.7 children and are very typical of middle-class young American families of this time period.

Just as the picture was snapped, little Chuckie was in the process of trying to gouge out his baby sister's eyes, and he has just been jokingly told by his mother that if he is not good, he will grow up to marry Camilla the horse, a popular character in children's books of the period. Chuckie is shaking his head and repeating "uh-uh, uh-uh" over and over again. Little baby Annie is in the midst of filling her diaper.

Phil makes a typical wage of $65 per week, which is more than adequate for the little family living in an upstairs apartment over the bakery. Liz is an expert seamstress, and makes many of the children's clothing herself. She blushes as Phil praises her on her cooking, and tells how he enjoys her hamburgers.

If this typical American family follows the national averages, they will have no more children.

Been there, done that...

A passionate ignorance.

Just in case you are not getting why the above picture of anti-China Olympics protesters is funny (or at least ironic)...
You should know that there WAS an Olympics held in Nazi Germany. You should also be made aware that, during those Olympics, Adolf Hitler's Master Race got it shoved up their asses by American Jessie Owens and others.