Thursday, April 3, 2008

Claire gets Horny


On researching this post I could not help but feel rather horny with all that talk of dongers and dangly bits, it made my honey pot start to throb. But what could I do about it now? Watch James Bond again and be partly satisfied when Daniel Craig get his todger whacked in that rather nice torture scene. There is something about the way he wields a 45 caliber pistol that gets me going, ah hem, anyroad back to the story.

Now I have put all that research into context, using a purely fictional tale, that may sound true, but it is all for the post, honest.

This is the 'How a chap gets his leg over' tale

If a chap happens to feel horny and his John Thomas starts talking to him, he will attempt to approach a female, if that's what persuasion tickles his fancy. If he does find some talent that is receptive to him, what will he do next?
Hopefully he will show some restraint, especially if they are down the local Red Lion pub and will not attempt to shag her right there and then. This would not go down well with the locals, as its just not the done thing here in Britain. He should buy her a sherry or whatever the ladies drink of choice is and begin to woo her. If he is feeling pretty flush a bag of pork scratchings wouldn't go a miss.
So far so good, the chap has found a girl that looks all fur coat and no knickers, a bonus in this type of thing. He is chatting her up and she is receptive to rather vigorous snogging session, which then caused a rather large stonker. Things have now progressed to such a level that he grabs the ladies hand and persuades her to leave the public house with him, he uses his coat to cover the noticeable trouser tent.
Things are still looking good, the happy couple are now in the alley/bedroom/car/wherever and have resumed snogging, there is even some under the clothes groping.
Once he finally had had a butchers at this birds rather nice bussom, his purple headed womb broom was getting fit to burst. It was going to be a quickie this first time, but hopefully he could go on and give her a good seeing to.
There was a bit of aggro with her tights but soon he was banging away, there was no fannying around for this chap.
Now he had gotten what he wanted, what about the lady in question? Was it good for her?
Her reply:
"I suppose it was better than a slap in the face with a wet kipper"


There will be a follow up post with some more lovely terms and explanations of all things horny.

Please read the post below for more rude erm I mean an in depth linguistic journey into the world of horny Brits.

27 comments:

  1. I love it when my honey pot starts to throb.

    Oh-was that out loud?

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  2. Guess what the J in JD Thomas stands for?

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  3. I don't know what some of this means, but I like it! I think dirty Brit slang sounds raunchier. For a second, I was like, "what's up with the chicken? Oh, there's a cat, nevermind."

    45 caliber pistol. :)

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  4. I am not sure as to what could be worse than a slap in the face with a wet kipper but apparently she came close...

    EEEUUWW.. and you didnt like me saying TAMPON?

    Although it sounds abit like someone I know.. you sure this story is fictional??
    hmmmmmm ;-)

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  5. That's hilarious ... but still, the lady needs to get revenge for that perfectly good night watching home cinema wasted ...

    ... a sequel!!!

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  6. Well dammit, my head is spinning.

    And LOL @ John Thomas & Womb Broom.

    I shall use BOTH these terms, right now in fact.

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  7. Who is da Hottie in da Union Jack on Top??

    WooooooooooooT*

    Is that UUUUUUU!!!!!

    ;PPP xoxo

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  8. I suppose it was better than a slap in the face with a wet kipper.

    Eloquent! This may become one of my new favorite phrases. Thanks, Claire!

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  9. So three cheers for your willy, or John Thomas.. HOORAY for your one-eyed trouser snake..

    I'm going to have that song stuck in my head ALL DAY now. Thanks Claire, lol!! :)

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  10. @ EEEUUWW - I like your new avatar. Is that your big sister? :"

    @Billy - That's my wife, asshole. And don't blow me kisses. Did you think your were on Claire's blog?

    Just kidding Billy. I've seen some of your great comments over there at Claire's place. Good stuff, man.

    zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

    And I mean that.

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  11. @Mags You have made that quite clear on numerous occasions :)

    @techfun, I knew you were a horny devil :)

    @relaxmax its a beautiful term eh?

    @.45 I am glad you like it and that you got the doodle, that's no chicken.

    @becauseican, speaking for myself its totally fiction, honest :) I presume the tampon thing is not directed at me?

    @marmelade there may just be a sequel in the works :)

    @Jillian your head is spinning? I thought you were a girl! hahaha.

    @Billy, that is not me.

    @Aerten, I am glad you like it :)

    @Asara lmao@ you! :)

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  12. That was ace, bob's your uncle! It was no bodge either. I swear waiting on this made me want to bite my arm off. She had some bottle doing this. Nice chin wag and I am chuffed. Just missed parting the beef curtains though.

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  13. @ billywarhol- That was a serious question, Billy, and you deserve a more honest answer.

    Claire was telling you the truth when she said the lady at the top of this blog is not her. Not ALL her anyway. Only the bottom half is really Claire.

    PS--The clumsy photoshopping that appears on the bottom half of the picture was necessary because Claire was knickerless when I took the photos. Starkers. (I'm trying to use the new word I learned yesterday.)

    I apologize for lying to you in my first response to your comment, Billy. :)

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  14. "purple headed womb broom" LMAO Loved it. I've always thought it was Purple headed yogurt slinger. Womb broom sounds so much better! :p

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  15. I laughed all the way through this - the "purple headed womb broom" really cracked me up. Setting that aside, a Brit I know made a reference awhile ago to a kid masturbating that I didn't get until just now. The expression was "he got caught choking the chicken".

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  16. Holy Smokes! That is so friggin' funny. I think I actually blushed at the "purple headed womb broom"!! But I am definitely going to tell hubby tonight that my "honey pot is starting to throb"...hehehe

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  17. This cracked me up. i urgently need to get practising this kind of English. Maybe I should do a dissertation on it? :P

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  18. @etterise by jove you have got a handle on the old lingo!

    @relaxmax, you are after a kick in the betty swollocks!

    @Chica, Thanks for popping over, I guess your hubby has a new nickname now?

    @timethief thanks for your kind words, I wasn't sure whether choking the chicken was British so thanks for that!

    @diamonddigger, you blush? never!

    @manictastic, I think that would be very dangerous!

    @Robert, a satisfied reader then? :)

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  19. Good one, Claire!...eh, that is, the parts I understood.

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  20. @Tamera heh I am sure you understood a lot of it :)

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  21. You know I'd like to say that I am surprised you are a dirty girl but I'm not. I used to be. But then I got married. Life can be funny sometimes.....

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  22. @Petra! I am not a dirty girl, I shower.
    This was purely an educational post :)

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  23. If that post is an indication of education then I graduated with honors! WEEHHOOO!!!

    And Claire - I love ya honey but ain't no one buying your innocent act!

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  24. Bwaaahahahaha
    Perfect Claire just perfect..

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  25. @Petra congratulations on being horny and getting your leg over :)

    I am innocent :(

    @Callie much thanks, you better be practising the lingo.

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