Friday, April 11, 2008

Britishspeak wins award for world's longest blog post!

My new friend ettarose of Edge of Sanity wrote a post not long ago about some of the places, both interesting and not-so-interesting, that she offers as suggestions for your next vacation. [Make that “holiday”, since our goal is to learn how to talk like the British and thereby curry favor and respect (even awe, perhaps) from our fellow ‘mericans.] Ettarose included pictures with some of her descriptions. It was pretty cool.

The three of you who read my blog regularly know that I have stolen ideas for posts from ettarose before. This one will be no exception. Only this time I intend to actually change some things from her original idea. Still stealing, but with a twist.

There was once a computer “thing” (it’s not really a computer “game” I wouldn’t say) which was designed to teach children geography. It was called “Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?” Maybe it still exists, I don’t know. Two of my three blog readers are probably young enough to still be playing the “game.” I digress.

Anyway, Max is going to introduce a new game in this post. There may be free sex involved, so pay attention. The name of this game is going to be called “Where in the World is Relax Max.” So, in a way, this post is a first for me--a sort of DOUBLE plagiarism, if you will.

I was about to say, “Some of you are probably asking yourself, ‘What does this have to do with speaking with a British mouth?’”, but I see that all but one of you have already dropped your entrecard and left, and the remaining reader couldn’t care less because the only reason he is still on this page is that his computer has frozen. Be that as it may...

The connection between the theme of this blog and the game I am going to call “Where in the USA is Relax Max, and Why the Hell Would I Possibly Care?”, is that it promotes, sort of, a more complete understanding between our two cultures. And, yes, I DID change the name of the game again. How astute of you. (Here I pretend that I still have a reader left, knowing that it is more likely that even my so-called friends who read this blog out of pity also left as soon as they discovered it wasn’t really about ettarose. Well, just chuff you, anyway; I’m still going to finish this. Max is used to talking to himself. Sometimes he even answers. Sometimes he raises his hand and asks himself questions. I digress.

I am going to do it backwards from ettarose (that’s the twist so I can say I didn’t really steal this idea from her) and just put up pictures instead of descriptions. You have to guess where EXACTLY in the USA that Max is standing when he took the picture. What fun!--Max is trembling at just the thought of this wacky mental intercourse. Don’t worry, they’re easy. Even my friend Marmelade will get one for sure. And she doesn’t give a rat’s patoot about the USA. What? You say you don’t either? Well, you should try anyway, because there will be prizes. So at least Lord Likely will particiapte (for the award). And maybe a couple of the Americans. Again, out of pity of course. Perhaps even out of embarrassment for their fellow countryman who is acting like such a buffoon jerkoff in front of the British. Well, that’s not really true since the British have surely wandered off to the pub by now.

I should also tell you that these pictures Max is about to inflict upon you are not professional-looking like Claire’s pictures are. Plus, unlike Claire’s, many of the elements in my photos actually move, so they might be blurry as well. Max likes photography and has several good expensive cameras. Max doesn’t take these expensive cameras on vacations, however, because he doesn’t want to lose them or damage them or get them stolen by the airport inspectors. I tell you this so that you will understand Max doesn’t really HAVE to use those cheap plastic cameras they sell in airport magazine shops. He just WANTS to. He would much prefer that his good cameras get burgled while he is away on vacation. Make sense? Max also wants you to know that he has made an effort to make these pictures look as good as he can in photoshop, but there is only so much you can do with blurry pictures taken with a shitty plastic camera. This will only make the game more interesting of course: I show you a picture of the Washington Monument, and to you it looks like the Eiffel Tower. Then I tell you “wrong” and you lose the game and I don’t have to give you a prize. Which might have been a free sex coupon from the Mustang Ranch by the way. Are you following me?

Your job is to make a comment and tell EXACTLY where in the U.S. Max is standing when he took this or that picture. We are unable to use one of Claire’s voting widgets. That’s because this game is not opinion-driven. There are actual correct and incorrect answers in our game, you see.

The scoring will be the same as the Entrecard system, since that is so easily understood: You get one point just for coming here today, two points if someone comes to YOUR place; then you divide by 5 days and, finally, you give 75% of your earnings to the fuckheads who invented the system. Got it? Then, if you want, you can buy your credits back from them for real money. That shit really ticks me off, by the way. We’ll let Aerten set up a data base and compute who won and who lost and who just gave the fuck up and left. Then we’ll divide by 5 again and go join the Brits at the pub.

On with the pictures. Here you must understand that Max’s LifeHoney has dragged his lazy ass from one end of this country to the other over the years in an effort to spend Max’s money on stupid plastic souvenirs from strange hillbilly places. As a result, there are several thousand pictures to choose from. Only three actually show Max in them because LifeHoney makes Max take all the pictures all the time. The only thing of a personal nature that Max can promise you is an occasional finger over the lens, or maybe the toes of his sneakers now and then.

Even though Max has thousands of these worthless blurry pictures stored unsorted in his shoe box archives, Max realizes that he must choose carefully for this international contest. The pictures had better damn well be of recognizable American landmarks, or nobody but the Americans will get any of them. Max realizes that for most of the Brits, if the picture is not of the Empire State Building or the Golden Gate Bridge, they are completely lost. That, coupled with their incredibly weak interest to start with and, they go to the pub again.

So Max has sifted through boxes of worthless shit and come up with a dozen or so pictures which actually show recognizable American landmarks somewhere in the photo. Recognizable if you don’t take off points for being blurry, that is. These will all be very easy for Americans, and even the Brits will get two or three. There’s even a few with the name right on them so Marmelade can participate too. Marmelade is very, very smart, by the way. it’s just that she could give a shit less about the USA. Or any other NATO member-country for that matter. I’m with her, by the way. Fuck NATO. You bastards couldn’t defend America to save your ARSE. One way street. Max digresses again, but this time it is Marmelade’s fault.

Here are the pictures and the directions and hints. Please make comments about what you think they are. If you don’t, Max will just make up names and make comments for you. So you might just as well do it yourself. By the way, I’ve just been notified by the International Blogging Committee that this is now officially the World’s Longest Post. And I haven’t even gotten to the pictures themselves yet. Shall we just skip that part and go straight to the pub? No! Wrong answer! You absolutely have to look at these.

First, I have another announcement to make: Claire has reportedly just purchased a season ticket to the Hamburg Sex Museum and has barracaded herself inside. Now back to my pics.

Wait. No. First I have to tell you what the prizes are. Actually there is only ONE prize. That will be awarded to the final winner. There will be no second prizes or third place prizes. First prize will be a free trip to the U.S. if Linda or Aerten or EttaRose wins; otherwise your prize will be “you don’t have to come to the U.S. during an election year.” If Lord Likely is sober enough to recognize any of these pictures, even the ones with the locations already written on them, I will pay 5% of his tab at the Cock and Bull. And even that will most “likely” have to be worked out in installment payments. If the incredibly lovely Claire wins, and she almost certainly will since Max has a crush on her, then she wins my permission to post all the photos on Flicker with the rest of her vast collection. If my good friend Marmelade wins--well, then I guess we can all just eat loaves and fishes ‘cause it’ll be a fuckin’ miracle! (Just kidding, Marmelade. You always surprise me with how much you know about everything.) If anyone else wins, I’ll buy you 10 Powerball tickets next Saturday. I will be sure and mail the winning ticket to you if you win. For sure. Honest. You can trust ol’ Max to do that.

[One final note: One of my few loyal readers, A.,--who prefers that her full name not be given so the her friends won't realize she reads my drivel--has requested that, if I insist on making these godawful long posts (and I do insist) that I at least make bullets or something to break up the long paragraphs. Her point is well taken, and I'm working on adding that feature to this post right this very minute. But, since I don't know how to code good-looking bullet-like graphics, I will instead be placing pictures of various body parts between the paragraphs, along with the latest avatars of "becauseIcan". Often these are one and the same, of course. Thanks.]

Below are the photos of the places. If there are any more special rules for a particular photo then that special rule will be written next to the photo. Max gets to make up rules as he goes along. Not just on this game, but in everything.

1 point for naming this national monument; 2 bonus points if you can name what state it is located in. 15 bonus points if you can clue Max in as to why his LifeHoney made him get so close to the edge of the cliff to take this picture and then seemed to "stumble" against Max's back.


1. South Rim, Grand Canyon National Park; 2. Arizona. 3. That's a silly unanswerable question.

1 point if you can read. 2 bonus points if you can name the city. 3 more bonus points if you can name the state the city is located in. 4 more bonus points if you can name the name of the street you are looking at. 8 additional points if you can locate the bitch in the brown sweater that slapped Max senseless as she walked by.

1. This refers to the fact that the Object has it's name clearly visible in the picture; 2. Las Vegas; 3. Nevada; 4. Las Vegas Boulevard (slang-"The Strip" 5. This is a silly, unanswerable question.

1 point if you can name the building. Take off 12 points if you can't.

1. "The U.S. Capital" is the only acceptable (and only correct) answer.

1 point for naming the natural wonder. 5 bonus points if you can say EXACTLY where Max was standing when he took this picture. 6 additional bonus points if you can tell why this picture breaks the rules of this game. 13 bonus points if you can remember the name of the actor who killed Marilyn Monroe a couple of blocks away from where Max is standing. (In the movie, for crissakes Marmelade.)


1. Niagara Falls; 2. At the exact point of the precipice on the Canadian side of the Niagara River; 3. He is not technically in the USA as the rules require, although only across the river from the USA; 4. Joseph Cotton.

1 point if you can read fine print. 2 bonus points if you can tell what city this is located in. 3 more bonus points if you can tell what state the city is located in. 10 bonus points if you can name the person who christened this thing and what year.


1. This refers to the fact that the name of the object is clearly visible in the picture; 2. Long Beach; 3. California; 4. Her Majesty Queen Mary (accompanied by His Majesty King George V): On September 26, 1934, "Job #534" of John Brown & Company, LTD., of Clydebank, Scotland is declared by Her Majesty to be thenceforth called "Queen Mary" and is released down the ways into the Clyde River.

1 point if you saw Forrest Gump. 2 points if you can name the structure in the distance. 10 bonus points if you can describe the connection between Martin Luther King, Jr. and where Max is standing. Hint: where Max was standing is pictured on the back of a $5 bill.


1. Refers to the location shooting of the Movie "Forrest Gump" in which Gump returns to the USA from Viet Nam to see a large anti-war demonstration at this location; 2. the structure is the Washington Monument. Any other name is incorrect; 3. Max is standing on the top steps of the Lincoln Memorial looking down at the location of Dr. King's 1964 "I Have a Dream" speech to throngs of people in the plaza below and back along the reflecting pool. The 16th President of the U.S. is pictured on the front of the $5 bill, and his memorial on the reverse.

This is a hard one. You either know it right away or you will not ever get it. 5 points for naming the EXACT location where Max is standing (and, no, he is not in an airplane.) 5 bonus points if you can name the name of the city. 3 more bonus points if you can also name the state it is located in. 5 bonus points if you can name the river. 5 more bonus points if you can name the nearby lake. Marmelade might get this one. Unless she was lying to the poet.


1. Max is standing on the Sky Deck floor of the Sears Tower Building; 2. Chicago; 3. Illinois; 4. The Chicago River; 5. Lake Michigan.

Not likely you will get this if you are not an American. 5 points if you can name the item located under the structure in the picture. 5 bonus points if you can name the body of water. 5 more bonus points if you can name a historical date that is connected with the item in the picture. 5 points if you can name the name of the island this is on. 10 points if you can tell who the item Max is standing on belongs to. Toughie. Linda and Aerten will likely both get this completely, with the possible exception of the last part. (Only if one has actually visited in person is one likely to know the last part.)


1. The sunken battleship USS Arizona. The structure in the picture is the Arizona Memorial, a chapel-mausoleum honoring the hundreds of sailors still entombed below in the sarcophagus that the Arizona has become. The memorial is constructed so as to not actually touch the Arizona. The memorial consists of a dock, an observation walkway (over the sides of which one can look down and see the superstructure of the ship below. After more than 60 years it's rather unsettling to still see oil seeping to the surface and occasional bubbles of air testifying that the flooding of the rooms and passageways of the Arizona is becoming ever more complete over the years. Sea life abounds visibly in the warm shallow water.), and the chapel itself, at the far end of which is the marble wall with the inscribed names of the Arizona's 1,177 dead. 2. Pearl Harbor; 3. December 7, 1941; 4. Oahu ("Hawaii" is not the name of this island); 5. Pearl Harbor was and is a U.S. Naval base. If you want to visit the Arizona Memorial, the U.S. Navy will have to take you there. Which they are happy to do, several times a day, as long as you agree to observe their strict rules of reverence and quietude. Max is standing on a small navy ferry vessel which is piloted by U.S. naval personnel on special honor guard duty.

3 points for naming the structure. 5 bonus points for being able to name the significance of the structure (what it symbolizes and why it was built). 3 bonus points for knowing the name of the city. 7 bonus points for naming the state. 3 bonus points for naming the river Max is in the middle of. 10 extra bonus points for being able to name the state on the other side of the river from this structure.


1. The Gateway Arch. 2. The frontier town of St. Louis was the place the railroads ended in the first half of the nineteenth century, and was thus considered the "jumping off" place where one had to begin traveling by foot or wagon train if one wanted to continue traveling westward. St. Louis (pronounced "Saint Loo is" and never the French pronunciation of "Saint Loo ee") became known as "The Gateway to the West." "The Gateway Arch" is a metaphorical reference to that gateway designation; 3. St. Louis; 4. Missouri; 5. The Mississippi River (Max is standing on a tourist riverboat out in the middle of the river); 6. Illinois.

1 point for being able to read. 10 points for knowing the state of which this place is the capital city. A whopping 23 bonus points to anyone willing to go break the kneecaps of the politician who thought it was a good idea to use taxpayers money to pay his brother's foundry to cast these fancy manhole covers.


1. This refers to the fact that the name of the city and state are cast into the object; 2. New Mexico; 3. This is a sarcastic reference to wasteful spending.

1 point for simply being alive. 10 points for being able to name the famous theatre this sidewalk is near. 5 points for being able to name the section of Los Angeles this sidewalk is located in. 10 bonus points if you can name the street that runs along it. Another 18 bonus points if you can determine the name and address of the twinkie in the blue tutu who tried to pee on Max's leg as he was taking this picture.


1. This is a rather arrogant supposition by Max that if you are alive in the Western World, you must surely have been exposed to the knowledge of this little corner of the world; 2. Grauman's Chinese Theatre (if you look closely, you will see more than one inscription by the stars made out to Sid Grauman). Max is reluctantly not giving credit for simply "The Chinese Theatre"; 3. This sidewalk is located in the Hollywood section of Los Angeles; 4. Hollywood Boulevard; 5. This is a reference to the rather tawdry neighborhood of this tourist attraction. Sleazy is too strong a word, but tawdry fits pretty well. If you visit, be prepared to mingle with the unwashed masses, and have your sensibilities assaulted by various made up characters in costume and out of work actors and general street "performers". The panhandlers are periodically driven off, however.


  1. Ok here is my try. If I am wrong don't tell anyone ok?
    grand canyon, arizona
    las vegas, nevada
    washington dc, district of columbia
    niagara falls, new york or canada
    queen mary long beach
    national monument district of columbia
    empire state building new york
    Dec-41 uss arizona hawaii

  2. Good morning, ettarose! I had secretly hoped you would be one of the few who read all the way to the end. It's too early for me to comment on the accuracy, but you're looking pretty pretty good--if somewhat incomplete. There are more points to be had for ettarose if she decides to delve a little deeper.

    But then, one does have to do SOME work when one is at work. :)

    You also deserve an extra 50 bonus points for not simply Googling this stuff, as the Brits will surely do. Or will do now. :)

    I wonder if I should have thought about this a little bit more and devised a way for secret answers so people couldn't just copy off their neighbor>


    There, ettarose. That oughta do it. Thanks again! :)

  3. 1. This would be the Grand Canyon and I'm guessing that you are on the Arizona side. As to why your Lifehoney would bump into you as you stood too close to the edge to take the picture - do you happen to have a large life insurance policy?

    2. Obviously Las Vegas, Nevada but I don't believe that's The Strip. I haven't been to Vegas in years and years so my mind is fuzzy and I refuse to Google the answer just to get extra points!

    3. Duh! That would be the Capitol Building in Washington DC which is quite the lovely place even though it's generally occupied by some of the country's stupidest people who make the country's stupidest decisions!

    4. Hmmm, this looks more like Horseshoe Falls than it does Niagara Falls so I'm guessing you're actually on the Canadian side rather than the US side which is why the rules are broken. Of course, having never been there, I could certainly be wrong. As for Marilyn Monroe - don't care!

    5. This would be the Queen Mary which is now a museum of sorts located in Long Beach, California. Been there - boarded that - forgot the details on who christened her and when!

    6. Seen "Forest Gump" several times, does that count for more than one point? That would be the Washington Monument in the distance and you are standing on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial where Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. gave a very moving speech.

    7. I'm going to guess that this is Chicago, Illinois and that you are taking the picture from the top of the Sears Tower. My old memory fails to remember the name of the river and I'm going to guess it's Lake Michigan but again - that's a guess as I'm still refusing to Google it!

    8. Ah, Max is now at Pearl Harbor in Hawaii at the monument for the USS Arizona which was sunk by the Japanese during the bombing raid that occurred on December 7, 1941 in which 2,388 people were killed. It was "a date that shall live in infamy" according to then President FDR and pushed the US into the war in the Pacific. I've never been there so am not sure what exactly what you're standing on or who it belongs to but I sure the hell hope you were appreciating the solemnity of this particular place. I have no doubt you were - right???

    9. The Gateway Arch located in St. Louis, Missouri that symbolizes man's push towards the West when America was but a young country and expanding rapidly. The river would be the mighty and muddy Mississippi and the state on the other side would be Illinois. I've been there but didn't go up in the arch as a) it was too crowded with other tourists and b) I am a bit afraid of heights.

    10. Santa Fe, New Mexico. Lovely place with the country's fanciest sewer covers I'd say!

    11. Grauman's Chinese Theater on Hollywood Boulevard in Los Angeles, California not that far from the much ballyhoo'd Hollywood Walk of Fame where people PAY money to have a star! Been there - walked that - wasn't impressed.

    So there - how'd I do? Can I come visit the States now?

  4. And good morning to you too, Lady Linda. Although it is getting closer to noon in the Connecticut gated estates now.

    Also looking pretty good, and also thanks for not
    Googling (although Max suspects the Royal Red One did not have the number of war dead tatooed in her memory.) :)

    Also room to garner several more points, however.

    Max was not yet born a few years back when Tom, his keeper-psychotic manager-was at that solemn place--whereever it is--and therefore you may be sure no loud smartmouthing would have been going on from Max.

    Not sure when the official Max answers will be provided. That stick in the mud Tom is in the midst of his last minute tax preparation. Perhaps not even until Monday.

    You're pretty smart Linda! (Maybe!) :)

  5. Ah, but Max underestimates Linda's love of history and ability to rattle off such useless facts as the number of dead at certain places!

    If I had the chance to do it over again I'd be a history teacher or a guide at a National Park rather than make my living telling ambulances were to go but alas, I chose poorly!

  6. The river in Chicago, IL is (oddly enough) name the Chicago River. Except that, really, what you have is the North Branch and the South Branch. This very same river (just the main part) is dyed an atrocious shade of green every March 17 to honor the Mayor, who is, of course, an Irishman. Except for the one that was an African American. And the woman. But I think she was Irish, too.

    Just kidding about the green. The real reason they dye it is to celebrate St. Patrick's Day.

  7. @Aerten

    But did you know, oh all-knowing one--that it used to flow in the other direction? 21 bonus points for the obscure goddess is she can explain the circumstances of this phenomenon, even though it has nothing to do with the Irish?

    Mind you, I'm not saying your are correct. Or even close. :)

  8. And no gol dern googlin' Aertin!


  9. @Aerten--

    While I was waiting for your next comment, I thought I would dash off a little poem for you. I hope you like it.


    HOG Butcher for the World,
    Tool Maker, Stacker of Wheat,
    Player with Railroads and the Nation’s Freight Handler;
    Stormy, husky, brawling,
    City of the Big Shoulders: 5

    They tell me you are wicked and I believe them, for I have seen your painted women under the gas lamps luring the farm boys.
    And they tell me you are crooked and I answer: Yes, it is true I have seen the gunman kill and go free to kill again.
    And they tell me you are brutal and my reply is: On the faces of women and children I have seen the marks of wanton hunger.
    And having answered so I turn once more to those who sneer at this my city, and I give them back the sneer and say to them:
    Come and show me another city with lifted head singing so proud to be alive and coarse and strong and cunning. 10
    Flinging magnetic curses amid the toil of piling job on job, here is a tall bold slugger set vivid against the little soft cities;
    Fierce as a dog with tongue lapping for action, cunning as a savage pitted against the wilderness,
    Wrecking, 15
    Building, breaking, rebuilding,
    Under the smoke, dust all over his mouth, laughing with white teeth,
    Under the terrible burden of destiny laughing as a young man laughs,
    Laughing even as an ignorant fighter laughs who has never lost a battle, 20
    Bragging and laughing that under his wrist is the pulse. and under his ribs the heart of the people,
    Laughing the stormy, husky, brawling laughter of Youth, half-naked, sweating, proud to be Hog Butcher, Tool Maker, Stacker of Wheat, Player with Railroads and Freight Handler to the Nation.


    No sense restricting Max's plagiarism to only ettarose, I say.


    (And I'm still not confirming that Chicago is the correct answer...) :)

  10. Please allow Max to make a spelling correction in his reply to the first comment to ettarose. Of course he didn't mean to say, "YOU ARE ON YOU HONER".

    Please change that spelling to: "YOU ARE ON MY HORNER."

    Thanks to Lord Likely for pointing that out to me.


  11. Not that you're confirming that it's actually the Chicago River (now why couldn't I remember that name of all things?!) but if it were the Chicago River, I can tell you that the reason for the change of its flow was due to a canal being built in 1900 in order for the waste products of Chicago to be removed - i.e., sewage! Do I get extra points for that?

    Oh, and I had heard about it being dyed green for St. Patrick's Day every year, too! Seems like a waste of money but why the heck not, right?

  12. @Linda - Sure you get extra points. If your answer is correct. And I'm not confirming that. :)

    And even after the annual dye job wears off, the river is still a pretty slimy green the rest of the time. Of course, Max is prejudiced a little, having grown up in Michigan where the Chicago crud washes up on our beaches. Well, not anymore I guess.

    Assuming the city in question is "Chicago" by the way. :)

  13. In a probably futile attempt to get the British to comment, I submit the following (plagiarized) joke to kiss up to them:

    A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Englishman on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.

    “Last night I made love to my wife four times,” the Frenchman bragged, “and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me.”

    “Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times,” the Italian responded, “and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man.”

    When the Englishman remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, “And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?”

    “Once,” he replied.

    “Only once?” the Italian arrogantly snorted. “And what did she say to you this morning?”

    “Don’t stop.”

  14. Well that was a marathon. I nearly read it all, can't resist a quiz.

    It SO helps if you number them don't you think:

    1. Grand Canyon, Arizona. I'll let you know about LifeHoney's reasons privately.
    2. Caesars Palace (yay, 1 point, I can read) Las Vegas Nevada
    3.Senate House
    4. Niagara Falls - it looks suspiciously like you were in Canada, and that breaks the rules. Joseph Cotton.
    5. That's OUR Queen Mary, now in California? I'm guessing it was Queen Mary herself who launched it, ages ago. What do you mean I can do this from memory?
    Oh can we google? Right. 1936.
    6. Yes I saw Forrest Gump even though I tried to avoid it. Washington Memorial. Click here for in depth page it says - Page not found. Oh good. Lincoln Memorial, thanks for the hint.
    7. Tall building surrounded by smog
    8. Not a clue
    9. Thomas jefferson's Gateway Arch, signifying the spread of democracy from ocean to ocean. In St Louis Missouri. The state on the other side must be Illinois
    10. Santa Fe New Mexico
    11. Still alive but only just, but I still get a point? That's the Chinese Theatre or more probably theater. Hollywood Boulevard.

    Time for bed. I am EXHAUSTED.

  15. Wow, the previous commenters have already done a LOT of the legwork for me! Sweet! Admitedly, the post was WAY to long for me to read in its entirety, but I think I got the gist of it. Here goes nothing:

    1)Grand Canyon, Arizona, insurance monay and/or getting some on the side.
    2)CAESER' PALACE, Las Vegas, 'The Strip', holding the hand of a plaid wearing jackass
    3)Well, I'm a aCanuck - but I'm 99%sure it is the Capitol Building.
    4) That is the Horseshoe Falls and you are clearly on the Canadian side, taken while leaning against a rod-iron fence in a park-like area. Marilyn is killed by the actor Joseph Cotten in the movie Niagara.
    5) Queen Mary - it is in California, so I will say Long Beach. It was christened in 1934 - maybe by King George V?

    Wow .. this is exhausting ...

    6) Saw it. National monument. King gave his 'I have a dream' speech here.
    7)No clue. Seeing as Chicago has been chosen, I will actually go with Pittsburgh. It's the rivers that make me guess that.

    .. oh crap! I'm off work now .. maybe I'll finish later. Cheers!

  16. @a. - First she wants bullets to separate the paragraphs. Now she wants the questions and pictures to be numbered. Shall we look up the word "anal"? :)

    Since Max thinks he's pretty close to being in love with the "Amsterdam" lady, he will comply:

    1. No. The Grand Canyon is in Montana. (And I already know why.) :)

    2. Maybe.

    3. I'll consider giving you partial credit.

    4. Niagara falls is 100% in Idaho. But you still get full credit for knowing Joseph Cotton. Are you SURE you have a British passport? :)

    5. I'm sure they would be more than happy to give her back to you if you refund their money. What a dumb idea for a motel. They must get all of 3 visitors a month. Did I say you could remember the christening personally? No. You are just trying to stir up trouble a. :)

    If you Google, you lose all your points up to that point. Sorry.

    6. I'm not going to grade this answer because you're cheating now. Actually, you are dangerously close to being expelled from class at this point. Or at least sent to the principal's office. You are being disruptive. Some of the kids in here WANT to learn. :)

    7. That's not smog. Them's clouds. Sometimes you can barely see the ground. Too much wind in "this" place for smog.

    8. Absolutely correct.

    9. Thomas Jefferson? Democracy? Are we trying to do standup comedy now, a? Well, you're good at it, I must say.

    10. You already got a point for being able to read (but I took it back away because you didn't love Forest Gump.)

    11. "The Chinese Theatre?" Ok, if I come to London, can I ask to be shown "That tall clock"?

    12. It's only 2 in the afternoon. Why are you so sleepy?

    Thanks so much for trying. I am very impressed! (Truly.) :)

  17. Canucklehead! What an unexpected horner!

    Didn't I mention in the rules that Canadians weren't eligible to play? it's in the fine print.

    However, if you can get me an enlargement photo of that blonde barmaid, I will bend the rules for you. Deal?

    Actually, you started off pretty strong, man. Then, with typical Canook concentration, you faded sadly down the stretch. I'll grade it later, too.

    Off work and home to big beer keg in the Great White North, eh?

    But--and this is true, man--sure it is--I really really appreciate someone of your stature coming down here and making a fool of himself in front of all these Brits. Eh?

    And don't forget that picture enlargement. I get a horn every time I try to drop a card on your blog. Which is about 11 times a day...


  18. No Canucks! You my friend have just made a very powerless enemy! However, in typical Canadian (read:polite) fashion, send me a note somehow with your email address and I'll happily send - actually, you can get it yourself here:

    (The actual original is in NO shape to be sent via mail, a tad sticky if you catch my drift.)
    PS - was there a prize?

  19. Jeeeebus! There be THREE of 'em!

    Ok, now that I have the picture (and apparently even more if I calm down) I can read that fine print better. What it actually says is "Canadian Preference, Affirmative Action." So there you go. My mistake. Canucks are not only allowed, but they win automatically. Which prize would you prefer?--the free trip to Port Huron (you must pay your own way to Sarnia) or the even more valuable "don't have to visit the U.S. at any time during election year"? Personally, I would choose the powerball ticket tomorrow night. I will mail you one without even checking the number first ::choke:: if you want. :)

    Sorry for the mistake in reading that fine print, but the good news is that you don't actually have to go through the test grading process. You can just move on up to the front of the line. I guess I'll just leave it at that so no one gets offended. Getting dangerously close to that "edge" between regular and special Americans, you know.

    Hey Marmelade!--I know what I want to paste on my part of the clubhouse wall! Save me a space, okay?

    You're always welcome here, Canucklehead. Especially now that I know it's the law. :) Ummmm, and if you know any special words (not "eh") that sound British, please let me know. Don't be a stranger.

  20. Oh, I almost forgot. I am willing to give my email address to you in the open. Max fears no spam. It's mostly porn anyway, so actually Max WELCOMES spam.

    Dumbass at

    Well, I guess I DO fear spam a little or I wouldn't have done that, huh? And don't worry--boomerwebusa is mine too, so it's ok to send lots of pictures of bar girls. Especially with biguns like those in that fine pic. I guess if I would bother reading your shit instead of just staring at the pictures, I might have discovered this tidbit on my own. Eh?

  21. Bloody hell, I deserve a prize just for reading to the very end! :P

  22. You read it all the way through???? No way!!!

    It was a joke Jules--even Max didn't read it all the way through!

    If you really did, I will never let you forget it!

    I do have a prize for you.


  23. Max, in Chicago, EVERYTHING has to do with the Irish.

    And they reversed the flow of the river because all the sewage was going into the lake. If it was just you people from Michigan, Wisconsin and UP (not that it was called Upper Peninsula back then) who were complaining, they would have ignored you. But it was fouling up the drinking water for the city. We can't have that! So rather than build a water filtration plant (I guess they didn't have the technology in 189-whatever, because the City will certainly spend money on stupid things), they reverse the flow of the river.

    And to keep it that way, they have these nifty little locks on the river that are a hoot to pass through in the tour boats. (Yawn.)

    Sailboats are another story! It pisses motorists off SO much when they raise the bridge on Michigan Avenue so a freakin' sailboat can go by. Ha ha!

    Darn, I miss Chicago. Except for the weather. And the traffic. And the people who are always dissin' Hizzoner. Front what I understand Prince Richie is actually doing a pretty good job.

    See what you've done, Max? You've got me babbling just like you.

  24. I did read all the way through dip shit (me) I was listening to some arsehole and did not get a chance to answer them all. I'll try again in a few. Oh ya your lifehoney was just trying to stumble you, you know STUMBLE! BWAHAHAHA

  25. @Aerten - Yeah, I like it too, what I know of it. My sister married a guy who was raised there (or one of the suburbs, I forget which) so we have a tour guide whenever we're together. My nephew just graduated from DePaul, but will be going back for graduate work. He has a job delivering...something...I forget. I know he rides a bike through traffic. In the winter. He's a pretty cool kid.

    Interesting about the story of the reversal of the river direction. I had known when and why and had read some about the engineering of it. Just joking about Chicago's garbage washing up--obviously it never got THAT far before it sank or was carried elsewhere with the currents. What I can remember most is the Taste of Chicago food booths they set up along Michigan Avenue. And not just the Irish, but the Polish sausage and stuff. And Wrigley Field. I don't know if you are a baseball fan or not, but my wife really follows the cubbies. My daughter lives in Phoenix now and got us tickets for the playoffs. So we saw the cubs last playoff game in October. We sat in right field with a huge load of rabid cubbie fans who had flown down because they couldn't get tickets in Chicago, I guess. One time I almost knocked old Harry Carry on his ass (literally)--we were both trotting in opposite directions--during spring training in Phoenix at HoHoCam (?) park. Now that is cool. You can go out an lay on the grass with the players messing around just feet away.

    And I don't ramble. I'm just very complete.

    Oh, and I like that old water tower in Chicago too.


  26. Ettarose, you wear me out. You know that? You really wear me out. Why have I taken such a liking to you so quickly? Maybe because I have a feeling you can see right through me and my verbal crap. :)

    Do try again. You made me feel good that you actually read it all. Once I got started it was just hard to stop. And now I can make the answers one at a time and have posts for several days. Well, maybe I hadn't better do that. Not if I want any readers left! :)

  27. Cub fan? YES I AM!! My brother lives in Phoenix and taunts me all through spring training by going to at least three games a week. I hate him. (But only during spring training.) I've spent my fair share of time out in the bleachers. I was an honorary Bleacher Bum (not being old enough to drink beer, I did not qualify for full Bleacher Bum status).

    They do Taste of Chicago out at Navy Pier these days, or so I've heard. It was in Grant Park when I lived there. Of course, that was before they straightened out the S-curve on LSD. It's an easier drive now, but weird.

    Last time I was out there I visited the house where I grew up. The woman who owns it now is delightful. The house is appraised for over $1 million, though. That's just wrong. My father paid $18K for it in 1963. He'd be rolling in his grave if he wasn't in a box in the trunk of my sister's car. (I'm not making this up. You only wish you had such insanity in your family!)

    Time to go prepare for Battlestar Galactica. :)

  28. Well..Frak..was going to post the answers..but..since this is a blogger post where I can't go back and reference the pictures and questions again..and cuz the post midnight ADD is kickin in..I'm just going to take a page from your book and copy for here's my answers.

    Ok here is my try. If I am wrong don't tell anyone ok?
    grand canyon, arizona
    las vegas, nevada
    washington dc, district of columbia
    niagara falls, new york or canada
    queen mary long beach
    national monument district of columbia
    empire state building new york
    Dec-41 uss arizona hawaii

    and for the ones she didn't answer..see the above responses from the other posters for my answers.

    Do I win something for at least reading the whole danged thing?

  29. Ohoh,Bob you cheatin little arse. I will now post the rest of the answers and you Bob stay away!
    First, I must tell you, the lady in the brown sweater lives in Fairbanks Alaska and she said to tell you she didn't slap hard enough. Niagara falls, well since Canada is not in the US then that is why it breaks all the rules. I loved Forrest Gump. Run Max, Run
    and Yah a speech was done at the tall thing and someone was sitting on a man's lap you perv!We got the Chicago River, I hear it's green when it isn't St Paddy's day. New Mexico's toilet lid and the last one is Whoreywood, I mean Bollywood, I mean Dollywood, Damnit it's Hollywood BLVD.

  30. No brainers, Max!

    1. The dry land of Mordor, where Frodo and Sam and that filthy bugger, Gollum, got rid of the ring and saved the Middle Earth. You can see the volcano smoke.

    2. Enrique Iglesias's father Memorial House in Miami. I thought he's still alive. Oh well.

    3. The guy with the funny name house. It's the same city where Mulder told Scully they were soulmates. Did you, by any chance, meet them while visiting?

    4. Oh, this is Canada. You're tricky, Max. Marilyn Monroe was killed by Chales Manson. Hence Marilyn Manson. I didn't see the movie, but I saw the live concert. Beat that!

    5. Titanic?

    6. That's Place Concorde in Paris. You tricky again. Forrest Gump was all CGI!!! You really thought Tom Hanks shook hands with JFK?

    7. Easy. That's where Michael Scofield threw the blueprints before he got himself convicted in the same prison as his brother, in order to save him from death row, a mere scape goat in a government prefabricated case who was supposed to hide the evil corporative influence on traditional energy. HE WAS INNOCENT!
    The city is Chicago. Sears Towers. Lake Michigan.

    8. I dunno. Is it some cool hang out place in California? Looks like a disco bar to me.

    9. The picture is too blurry.

    10. That's Real Madrid effigy, an homage to Becks arrival from Los Angles municipality.

    11. Oh, that's definitely Hollywood, although I could concentrate because of that lady's hairy legs. You could' have photoshopped that, Max!

    See, easy. Although, I'd like to make a statement here: I DO like America. I just don't like that politician with the funny name. But I equally don't like many other politicians all over the world. Except Bono, of course! He rules.

  31. #Marmelade - I take back every insult I ever made to you. That was witty, very intelligent, thoughtful. Thank you for taking the time. Most Europeans didn't. Some were even correct (probably.)

    I was just going to let this one die away, but perhaps I should at least post the answers. Maybe tonight.

  32. Of course you can come to London and ask to see the tall clock, and I'd know exactly what you meant. So where's your problem? If you want disruptive, I can do disruptive.

    Anal is short for analysis. I know this as a fact.

    Flouncing off ... pffff....

  33. @a - I think I will stop capitalizing your "a" since you don't. This is because Max is interested in being correct and precise. Unlike some other folks.

    Hello a! :)

    You just KNOW Max is smiling right now, right? This lady ALWAYS puts a smile on Max's face.

    But please don't flounce off before Max even gets a chance to say hello!

    I want to continue pleasing you, so I will number by responses to your comments: :) hehe

    1. I know and appreciate that you would understand what I meant if I asked to see the tall clock. And I truly believe you actually WOULD take me to see it. Thanks. However, if I called it that, I wouldn't be precise and correct, would I? Dear a, back when you were in school 2 or 3 years ago, did your teachers give you credit for correct answers as long as the "knew" what you probably meant? Sorry. Me neither. But don't you DARE think I didn't appreciate you playing my silly little game--and treating much of it seriously. I do. ;)

    2. You know precisely what anal means, and I know you didn't see a period after the "l". But judging by Marmelade's recent little "I'd rather die than..." quiz, I will assume there are other people who think anal refers to only one thing. For those people (and certainly not for a, here is the dictionary definition:)

    "A person who is excessively orderly and fussy."

    For a lady who insists on numbers and bullets...well, I won't say it, because that would be mean, and I will never be mean to a. Promise. Even if she flounces and is disruptive in class.

    Now we move on from "anal" to "in denial..."


    And you better not leave. You may be right behind our obligatory Canuck in the standings here. Free sex and all that. :)


    btw, a, you seemed genuinely upset that your Queen Mary had been humiliatingly tied up at Long Beach and used as a motel. (If it indeed WAS the QM and if indeed it WAS Long Beach.) Therefore I think I will post some better pictures of her for you in a day or two. To thank you for the favor you did for Max and Yummy. Please check back, okay? :)

  34. I did I did!
    And I'm still waiting for my prize!

  35. Dear Pinky:

    What did you did? As usual, Maxy is about 50 miles behind his moon girl. What? I would be happy to give you a prize--for anything at all--just name it. You know that. Just tell me what it is you did. Oh, I know--you read it all the way through. No. You would never do that. Tell me and then I'll bring you your prize, ok?



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